A Not-So-Live Blog of Season 2 of Jersey Shore

Taking a page out of Bill Simmons' literary repetoire, I've decided to post my initial reactions to watching each episode of Season 2 of Jersey Shore. Please don't judge me for this.

Yes, the 'bags and 'baguettes have invaded South Beach and I'm here to provide my gut reaction to the jarring television experience that is the Jersey Shore. Here we go... brought to you by Valtrex.

Episode 1:

• Ronnie and Sammy are definitely OJ Simpson-Nicole Brown waiting to happen.
• The guys are absolute gentlemen scholars compared to the girls (with the exception of drunk Ronnie aka Sloppy Joe)
• New vocab words learned: smoosh (sex), "do you (do whatever you want, I don't care)," landmine (a thinner ugly chick) vs grenade (a bigger ugly chick).
• JWOWW should probably be locked up as a preventative measure. If she were a guy she'd be in jail or the UFC by now. She may have more testosterone than the guys, which in hindsight may explain why she said she likes to "tear a guy's head off after sleeping with him."

Episode 2:

• How are Ronnie and Sammy doing? Well, OJ's putting on his leather gloves. Nicole's openly taunting him by driving around in one of OJ's cars with Ron Goldman. And even Kato Kaelin knows something's not right.
• President Obama: "Secretary of State Clinton has assured me that the US is well positioned to assist with the ongoing flood relief in Pakistan." JWOWW: "'Jay420' and 'Joey Yanks' told me that you were talking shit about her!" Awesome.
• The girls went shopping for bar clothes at a tranny clothing store. Of course they did.

Episode 3:

• The evidence suggests Ronnie developed both a drinking problem and a bipolar disorder since last summer. That's unfortunate.
• The Situation's moment of clarity in the hottub when he realizes he's surrounded by grenades is easily the high point of the season so far. Tell me this isn't the face of a terrified man:

Episode 4:

• Okay, who roofied Ronnie?
• When will these kids learn that no good ever came from drunk dialing?
• Possible spin-off idea: an Emilio vs. Ronnie "Drunk-Off". I'd pay to see this.
• OJ has the leather gloves on but he forgot the keys to the Ford Bronco. Only a minor setback.
• New vocab: the IFF (I'm Fucked Foundation). Ronnie is the President. I will definitely be using this in future conversations.

Episode 5:

• MVP was downright surgical tonight... like a grenade disposal unit. Wasn't sure if they still had it in 'em. Proud day for me.
• On a separate note, is MTV's "Teen Mom" the new low point for Western Civilization? Maury Povich, if you're reading this, I've found some future guests for your show.
• Maybe OJ's life would have turned out differently if someone had just handed Nicole a note? No? Okay.
• The Situation really is the show's moral compass. He's like George Washington, he can't tell a lie. Yup, exactly like George Washington.

Episode 6:

• So much to digest this episode...
• The highlight of the season so far for me: Doctor Pauly D providing Vinnie's medical history at the clinic: "[Vinnie] also has a history of pink eye, just to throw that out there." Most people think Mike has the best quotes on the show but I have to disagree. Pauly delivers consistently funny lines every episode and I don't think he's getting the respect he deserves. He's like the thinking man's Situation. Yes, I just used the phrase "thinking man" while referring to Pauly D.
• Douchebags need to wear sunglasses inside the club more often. I feel like they're an underutilized d-bag accessory.
• And we (already) have a new highlight of the season: The Situation postponing sex so he can grab a bite to eat (pasta no less). Absolutely classic--awe-inspiring even. And then he follows it hitman-style by skipping the post-coital and calling her a taxi. You're a shameless one Situation, but well played.
• Speaking of The Situation, his range is truly terrifying. Within 24 hours he went from a one night stand with a cute blond to a DFMO with a tranny. I don't know if he'll ever recover.
• Looks like it's Pauly's turn to join the I'm Fucked Foundation. Which is good because Ronnie could really use the company.

Episode 7

• First, the good...
• I'm so proud of Vinny. The Hooters waitress from the bar was an absolute 10 and he didn't even need an assist from MVP. To quote Trent from Swingers, "Our boy's all grows'd up today!" A proud moment for me. I would imagine what I'm feeling is roughly similar to the feeling a parent gets when their child says their first word.
• And what did I say about Pauly D? The man consistently brings the funny. His reaction to the girl's coldsore at the beach was classic: "Nothing like a nice herpe to ruin the party." Indeed, Pauly, and you'd know about herpes.
• But Pauly wasn't done there, he managed to somehow top his "herpes" comment with his reaction to Vinny and Angelina making out in the back of the cab: "Can we stop so Vinnie can buy Angelina a fossil watch!?" He's my pick for season MVP at this point.
• Pauly's phrase "the shirt before the shirt" is a keeper. The idea itself isn't new. I've always worn a shirt before the shirt... I do it so I don't spill booze on the shirt I plan on wearing out after pre-drinks. However, to codify the observation with a new phrase is brilliant in a Pauly D sort of way. I wish I had thought of this.
• Now, the bad...
• This episode was hard to watch. Sammi's smugness after the "fight" with JWOWW had me wanting to do violent, violent things. Yes, Sammi, you truly are a winner at this point. Ronnie has you blaming yourself and others for his man-whore behavior with other girls. Clearly, you have a lot to be proud of. By the way, I can't decide whether Ronnie is an absolute genius or full retard. I'm leaning toward the latter but I need more evidence.
• Ronnie and Sammi laughing at other people's dating habits is high comedy. The best analogy I could come up with for this is if Hitler called out Cosmo Kramer for racism.

Episode 8:

• From now on I'm going to start every re-cap with "Pauly's classic quote of the night", brought to you by Valtrex -- Pauly to Vinny after he slept with Angelina aka the Staten Island Dump (Vinny's name for her roughly 24 hours earlier): "We heard you like to visit the Staten Island Dump this time of year...is that true?" Yes, yes it is.
• Uncle Nino!! What can you say about Uncle Nino that hasn't already been said about Joey Buttafuoco? I knew I'd like Uncle Nino from the first moment I saw him. "OG" (original guido) doesn't do him justice..this guy is a legend and I my only regret is I wasn't alive to seem him creepin' back in the 70s.
• This might be slightly off-topic, but Uncle Nino has definitively settled the nature vs. nurture debate once and for all.. you could not not end up a douchebag being raised around that guy. If you want to know what Pauly, Mike, Ronnie and Vinny will be like in 20 years, watch Uncle Nino.
• Did Uncle Nino just compare a walking cane to a woman when he said, "it's like a woman, you can borrow it but you have to bring it back" Fuck and yes.
• I pity the guy typing subtitles for this episode whenever Uncle Nino talks...er, mummbles incoherently.
• I love how Pauly countered The Situation's "super aggressive style" with the girl, with a "kinder gentler style". What is this, Street Fighter? Are they at an arcade?
• How much of a horndog do you have to be to call a girl over at 6:30 am? And more to the point, how low is your self-esteem as a woman when you accept the invitation?
• The Situation going into his and Pauly's room to eat breakfast so he would have a front-row seat for the "slam session" is classic. Mike really is a vindictive bastard. Situation, please never change.
• I was worried Vinny was having a seizure at one point in the club but then I realized he was just dancing.
• I also thought it was cool that Vinny re-enacted this classic scene from swingers during this episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0PUrNwvvBk&feature=related I would have never guessed he was a fan.

Episode 9:

• Listen guys, if you're gonna to juice it you need to make sure you take the end of cycle anti-estrogen drugs so you don't become an emotional, estrogen-fueled, whining pussy (think "Bitch Tits" from Fight Club). I'm talking to you Ronnie (in general), Vinny (after his date ditched him) and JWOWW's boyfriend (after he discovers a guy's phone number in her room).
• On a scale of 1-10, how low is Angelina for going after Snooki's sloppy seconds TWICE! Also, how do you explain Vinny's range/lack of shame. The guy goes from Snooki to Hooters Waitress to Angelina and back again with the calmness of a methadone patient post-score.
• When watching this episode, try to keep track of the number of guys who hit on Snooki. It's shockingly high. This should be used in anti-drinking ads across the country.
• Did The Situation just pull a Ben Roethlisberger? I hope commissioner Goodell isn't watching because Mike's looking at a four game suspension for that bathroom hookup attempt. And where was that bouncer when Big Ben was accosting co-eds in Georgia bars!? The Steelers should hire that guy to follow Ben around at night.

Episode 10:

• I'm not going to lie to you, I was drinking while watching this episode. A lot. But based on what I do remember from that night (which isn't a lot), there's not much to say other than this: thank God that's over. I promise to step my game up for Episode 11.
  

Episode 11:

• An observation: Angelina's bed -- that's an IKEA bed. I know this because I own one. MTV, what kind of low budget operation are you running here? Given the amount of smooshing that goes on in those beds, don't you think you could have splurged on a box spring? Hell, a Brick clearance item would have done the trick..
• A question regarding the Snooki-Sam-JWOWW "talk": Have you ever seen that much hair twirling in your life? Seriously, I haven't seen that much hair-play since BarberShop. If you had to guess IQ levels using that footage alone, how low would go? Answer: what's the IQ number for "full retard"?
• Speaking of Samm's hate-on for JWOWW, when I first made the OJ-Nicole Brown analogy for Ron-Samm I was just joking (mostly). But now it couldn't be more accurate. Ron, like OJ, literally got away with murder! Similarly, we can only hope that Ron too is charged with kidnapping and false imprisonement at some point down the road (which I think is a pretty safe bet at this point).
• I knew, based solely on the rat that she tried to pass of as a dog, that Vinnie's Hooters girl was a bitch. Memories of Gonzalez Beach right there.
• I thoroughly enjoyed Mike's "Davey Crockett-chic" look. And by "enjoyed", I mean hated. I'm not saying Mike goes both ways, I'm just saying Mike goes both ways.
• The Situation just committed a sexual assault within two minutes of entering the club. Speaking of Mike's rapey-ness, I love how Pauly D was happy that such behavior made him look better by comparison. The lesson, as always: its good to have an assault-prone wingman to make you look better to women.
• I'm guessing Mike signed on with Dancing with the Stars before this episode was taped?
• Sammi's confidence level in life is roughly equivalent to Edmonton's average low temperature in January. That's a negative number by the way. I've seen homeless people with more self-confidence than Samm. To quote the SportsGuy, "We can capitalize on this!"
• "You wanna battle?" - Ramona to Mike. Clearly, the greatest call to battle since George Washington called out King George in 1776.
• Add Mike to the list of guys who've been rejected by Snooki. I can't believe I just wrote that.

Episode 12

• Snooki: "I love Vinny, he's like my big brother. Except you don't have sex with your big brother." One would think.
• Calling JWOWW's outfit a "strippers outfit" is offensive to strippers. That is clearly a streetwalker's outfit.
• Only the Jersey Shore cew could get into a fight (and get kicked out) at Space in Miami -- a club where 99% of the people are on ecstacy and there strictly for the house music/dj.
• Sure the crew got kicked out of Space (after about 20 minutes no less) but look on the bright side: JWOWW is perfectly dressed to earn some extra cash turning tricks on Ocean Ave.
• Without going into detail, it has to be said that Mike is self-destructing before our eyes. He's actually hard to watch at this point. Another cringe-worthy performance by the Situation.
• "I need someone to take a grenade for the team, or entertain a grenade, or decipher the bomb if necessary. I mean, it's a war out there!" - Pauly D, Philosopher.
• Canada's reputation really has taken a beating thanks to the endless train of Canadian skanks showing up at the Shore house. And I'm going to go ahead and say it -- I think it's what actually cost Canada a seat on the UN Security Council.

Episode 13 (Season Finale):

• Guess who just wrote 2500 words analyzing season two of the Jersey Shore? This guy that's who. So I ask you: who's more pathetic, me or the cast of the show? The answer would be me.
• Nothing like a little Ronnie/Samm drama to ruin the season finale. Which reminds me, given that Sammi is clearly bi-polar, do we re-assess Ronnie's performance this season? For me Ronnie has really rehabbed his image as the season's gone on. Granted, maybe it's just because mtv stopped roofying his drinks after episode 4, but clearly Ronnie has improved his image as time has gone on. For me, Ronnie's like Michael Vick in the sense that both did seemingly irreparable damage to their legacy only to turn it around in the end. The main difference between the two is I actually hope Vick continues to turnaround his life, while I could care less about Ronnie's future.
• Has anybody's stock fallen further than the Situation's these past few weeks? Mike is a trainwreck who's essentially surviving on Vinny's sloppy seconds and thirds at this point.
• "If you're not fucking your roomate, you shouldn't have to clean up after them." - JWOWW. I'm not making fun of JWOWW here. That's actually a legitimate point.
• THE END.