Jersey Shore Season 4 - Live Blog

Episode 1

• First things first -- no matter what anybody does on Jersey Shore this season, the biggest douchebag in Italy will remain Silvio Burlesconi.
  
• The cast's knowledge of Italy is embarrassing, even for Americans. Granted, Ronnie's Puerto Rican, JWOWW's Irish or something, and Snooki, who is Chilean, was only adopted by an Italian family (Yes, somebody willingly chose to adopt a young Snooki), but still. It's pretty hard to square all that Italian pride with their complete lack of knowledge of the home country.
  
• Sammi showed up for this season in the same shape Albert Haynesworth showed up for Chiefs training camp last year. Likewise, judging by her appearance, JWOWW developed a coke and/or meth problem since last season (and I like it).
• Nice looking house in Florence but come on, how long before Snooki clogs the bidet and somebody gets drunk and falls down those two flights of stairs?
• Seriously, how did no NFL team sign Sammi as a free agent last week? You're telling me the Seahawks don't need some help at linebacker?
• Question -- what's more dangerous: sleeping with Snooki or getting in her car?
• "Taxis son aqui!"
• On a certain level it's refreshing to learn that club music sounds like shit no matter where you are in the world.
• At this point Mike's inability to speak Italian might actually improve his chances with girls. The less he opens his mouth the better.
• The teaser for the upcoming Ronnie-Mike fight has me legitimately excited. HBO needs to do a 24/7 Ronnie-Situation for this!

Episode 2

• The one positive of the housemates hooking up with each other instead of randoms at the bar is: Italy's just been spared a massive herpes outbreak.
  
• "When I'm 80 years old and my kids ask me where I learned to cook pizza, I'll say, 'Bitch, I learned it at a pizzeria in Florence!" - JWOWW. Early frontrunner for quote of the year.
  
• Did Mike just give a girl daps? Yes he did.
• Oh how I've missed drunk Ronnie!
• It only took four seasons for someone to tell Ronnie and Deena they're sloppy drunks who aren't fun to be around. Meanwhile, I've been waiting 30 years for someone to say that to me, to no avail.
• Being rejected by Snooki and Deena in the same episode would result in a lesser man committing seppuku.
• Anybody else notice there's more ebonics spoken on Jersey Shore than a Lil Wayne album?
• "If her bedroom tv still has parental controls, she's too young for you bro." - Pauly D. Real talk.

Episode 3

• The gym trainer wearing a scarf while training clients is a metaphor for all that is wrong with Europe. And people wonder why Italy is insolvent as a country.
• Is this the last episode we'll be seeing Mike wearing Abercrombie & Fitch? Also, if you wear Abercrombie, are you the kind of person who's likely to care that Mike wears it? I say no.
• Pauly D really is a poor man's Dr. Phil (or is Dr. Phil a poor man's Pauly D?). Deena: "First of all I'm not having sex with him tonight." Pauly: "Stop wasting his time then"
• The Italian guy sneaking out of Deena's bed before she woke up may have just redeemed Italy as a country...you know, if he hadn't gone home with her in the first place.
• The great thing about twins: double the disappointment for their father.
• 30 seconds into his date with Sammi and Ronnie is starting to tear-up. Seriously dude, you have to stay on top of the anti-gyno drugs when you're juicing it!
• In Sammi's defense she is a completely changed person. She's put on...like at least 30 pounds since last summer.
• Ronnie and Sammi's relationship is truly unhealthy - OJ Simpson.

Episode 4

• MIKE TKO'D HIMSELF! Although in his defense, I would too to avoid having to listen to Samm and Ronnie at this point. He's smarter than people give him credit for.
• Samm is the human equivalent of lighter fluid. Add her to a combustible situation to make it worse or just use her to start one.
• Let Nicole talk to OJ.. she knows how to talk to him!!
• Ronnie [sobbing]: "I did my best... I did my best". Cue Dane Cook (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uTFBKiE18Y)
• The beauty of Mike being out of commission for a week: Florence just got a 7 day reprieve on that herpes outbreak!
• Ronnie walking out while Mike was offering a fake apology had me in stitches. High comedy. So meta.
• The Italian version of "Come at me bro!" (che cosa!) is exactly as effeminate as you would expect. And people wonder why Italy's last military victory was against Ethiopia in 1936.
• Italian douchebag: "You're in the streets of Florence!" The US equivalent of this would be: "You're in the mean streets of Greenwich, Connecticut, son!"
• Watch out Pauly D, you don't want to mess with the ESFVC (East Side Florence 150s (lbs) V-neck Crew)..they're gangsta as hell.
• Btw, we could have used Samm in that Notre Dame backfield today.
  

Episode 5

• Ronnie's dispensing solid advice. Excuse me while I pick pieces of my brain off the floor.
• When priests are calling you a whore, you're a whore... or an alter boy.
• So clearly the Jersey Shore cast just saw the "New Haircut" youtube video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M)
• Oh Samm, you're always so level-headed and sane. Please involve yourself in more conversations/situations.
• Close call.. the Ronnie cry no-hitter is still in play... hope I don't jinx it.
• Re Ronnie/Samm: the definition of "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
• Mike is clearly slipping into madness. He's talking to himself and may have developed multiple personality disorder.. and can't be the only person worried about this, right?
• Samm's loving this half hour, folks.
• Look, to avoid sleeping with Deena sometimes you have to make up a story about your sister sucking your neck. But it's better than the alternative.
  

Required Reading for June 2011

• From Foreign Policy, The Cynical Dairy Farmer's Guide to the New Middle East (quite funny): http://tinyurl.com/3fp5aep


• I'm finding it hard to keep up with all the content on (the Bill Simmons/ESPN collaboration) Grantland.com. That said, this fake Derek Jeter DL Diary was rather funny: http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6713507/derek-jeter-dl-diary

Required Reading for May 2011

• Christopher Hitchens letter to American Atheists (presented at the 2011 American Atheist Conference): http://richarddawkins.net/articles/618232-message-to-american-atheists



• From Foreign Policy, "How Goldman Sachs Created the Food Crisis".. http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2011/04/27/how_goldman_sachs_created_the_food_crisis?page=0,1



• An op-ed from the Daily Beast regarding Pakistan's blatant support for Islamic terrorism (and the US continuing to pretend it doesn't): http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2011-05-02/osama-bin-ladens-pakistan-haven/



• The SportsGuy's latest piece for ESPN. In it, Bill Simmons assigns quotes from The Wire (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wire) to this year's NBA post-season. To be honest, it's sort of a bizarre column.. if you're a fan of The Wire, you'll love it. If you've never seen The Wire, you'll ask, "what the fuck?" http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/part1/110503&sportCat=nba



• I read today that the team behind "The Hurt Locker" is planning to make a movie about the Bin Laden hit/assassination. Based on the blow-by-blow account from Today's Toronto Star, I will definitely be seeing this movie. http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/984367--obama-watched-anxiously-as-raid-on-bin-laden-s-hideout-unfolded?bn=1



• From the National Post's Lorne Gunter: "The Real Surge Was Harper's". Among the best/most accurate analyses I've read about the election results. http://www.nationalpost.com/opinion/columnists/real+surge+Harper/4722168/story.html



• I always enjoy reading ESPN's "Outside the Lines" columns. The most recent OTL looks at Rio de Janeiro's violent favelas (slums), many of which are located just minutes from the sites of the upcoming 2014 FIFA World Cup and the 2016 Summer Olympics. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=110510/Rio



• It looks like the SportsGuy is actually writing sports columns again. His latest is a retrospective on the career of Phil Jackson. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/110513&sportCat=nba



• From Vanity Fair: "in an exclusive book excerpt, former Team Six member (the unit that killed Osama bin Laden) Howard E. Wasdin describes his progress through SEAL training and its notorious Hell Week, an unthinkably brutal training gauntlet designed to separate the born warriors from the merely mortal." http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2011/05/navy-seal-team-six-excerpt-201105?currentPage=all



• Via Zero Hedge, an analyst from Deutsche Bank argues the human population will stop replacing itself by the early 2020s. http://www.zerohedge.com/article/human-race-doomed-deutsche-bank-one-most-important-future-turning-points-history

NBA Round 1 Wrap Up

It's sad to see the end of the Tim Duncan era. But at least he can hold his head up high having retired without ever committing a foul (according to Tim Duncan).

A Marriage Wish for Kate and William

There's nothing quite like a Royal Wedding to remind you of how absurd it is that we still have a monarchy in the twenty first century. That said, best of luck to the happy couple, if those two imbred welfare recipients can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

"The monarchy is finished. It was finished a while ago, but they're still making the corpses dance." - Sue Townsend

Friday Haiku

Acceptance is Step

Five.

What's another fifteen

centimetres.

After seven months of snowy

hell.

Required Reading for April 2011

• Brian Wilson has quickly become my favorite pro athlete. Seriously, how can you not like the guy. Anyway, just in time for his activation from the DL list, an excellent ESPN piece on the Giant's closer: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=6304952


• Matt Taibbi's latest for Rolling Stone: Why is the Federal Reserve forking over $220 million in bailout money to the wives of two Morgan Stanley bigwigs? (not to mention subsidizing tax evasion) http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-real-housewives-of-wall-street-look-whos-cashing-in-on-the-bailout-20110411?print=true


• From the Financial Post, an interesting take on the constitutionality (or lackthereof in both my and the authors opinion) of a Canadian cap-and-trade system. That this isn't a bigger election issue shows how little Canadians actually know about the policies being proposed by the federal parties. http://opinion.financialpost.com/2011/04/25/cap-and-breakup/

This Week in College Hoops

On Wednesday, #3 ranked BYU dismissed starting center Brandon Davies for having premarital sex with his girlfriend. But cheer up Brigham Young fans, at least now BYU won't have to dismiss itself for "flirting" with a national championship.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/news/story?id=6175090

Required Reading for March 2011

• From the Wall Street Journal, an excellent analysis of why the US dollar's reign as the world's reserve currency is near an end. http://tinyurl.com/4e6bhr5


• In case you're curious about what will get you kicked out of BYU (other than having premarital sex with your girlfriend that is), the BYU honor code can be read here: http://saas.byu.edu/catalog/2010-2011ucat/GeneralInfo/HonorCode.php#HCOfficeInvovement. My only question is, where do I sign up!?


• It's been quite some time since I've read a truly memorable Bill Simmons column, but his latest is a beauty. In it, Simmons creates a scathing analogy of the business model employed by NFL owners. Highly recommended: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/110304


• "If Saddam Hussein were still in power, this year's Arab uprisings could never have happened." Christopher Hitchens' latest for Slate: http://www.slate.com/id/2289587/pagenum/all/#p2


• The best piece of writing I've come across in months. From ESPN's Outside the Lines: Why You Should Care About Cricket. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=110329/Cricket The author goes on the road with the Indian National Cricket Team to uncover the soul of the game and what it tells us about India itself. Ironically, in possibly the biggest cricket match in history, India just defeated Pakistan in the World Cup semi-final today in Mumbai. I date you to tell me this doesn't pique your interest in the game.

Survivor Libya: Crazy Dictator Edition

Shifting tribal alliances. Tribes competing for power and control of resources. Does what's going on in Libya remind anybody else of Survivor?

And I'll tell you this, without the immunity idol, Ghadafi's not surviving the next tribal council.

The View from Washington

"It is the position of the United States that Mouammar Ghadafi should be tried for fashion crimes against humanity in addition to his crimes against the Libyan people." - US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

And Now A Reminder From the NBA

NBA All Star Weekend: your annual reminder that the WNBA does indeed still exist.

Required Reading for February 2011

• From Sports Illustrated, an excellent story about Aliquippa High School outside of Pittsburgh. The school produced NFL greats Mike Ditka, Tony Dorsett, and Derelle Revis. It's a story of the decline of an old steel town, drugs, gangs, violence, and the high school football team that holds the place together. http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1181210/index.htm
• From Foreign Policy: Why is Al Queda Keeping Quiet About the Arab Revolutions? http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2011/02/15/at_a_loss_for_words
• From Slate: South Park and it's take on religion: http://www.slate.com/id/2284692/pagenum/all/#p2

The Weekly Sports Wrap Up

The 2010/11 Seattle Seahawks: Proof that sometimes mediocrity IS good enough.

And Now a Message from Tourism Edmonton:

Edmonton: Come for the jobs, stay for the drinking problem you're about to develop.

A Not-So-Live Blog of Season 3 of Jersey Shore

Unless you've been living under a rock, you're no doubt aware that Season 3 of Jersey Shore premiered last night. I didn't watch the episode live but I PVR'd it for the express purpose of "live" blogging my reactions to the trainwreck that is Jersey Shore. What was I doing last night, you ask? I shit you not, (after the gym) I was honestly drinking a glass of (cheap) Scotch while reading Phillip Blom's excellent book "A Wicked Company: The Forgotten Radicalism of the European Enlightenment." That's right, in the span of 24 hours I went from reading about 18th century Enlightenment philosophers (I never claimed to be cool) to blogging about a group of twenty-something New Jersey uber-douchebags. I challenge anyone to display that kind of range. Anyway, tonight I trade in Diderot, Hume, and Voltaire (who, along with Rousseau, may have actually been a bigger 'bag than the boys on Jersey Shore. No seriously, vindictive bastards those two) for the Situation, Pauly D, and Vinnie. Cabs is heeeeere!!

Episode 1

• The Jersey Shore is proof that the seasons may change but the fitted Ed Hardy t-shirts remain the same.
• Pauly's mom just asked him if anyone cleans the hot tub at the beach house. You see, she's worried that the hot tub might get a little dirty with all those crazy kids using it. I want you to think about that for a second. Pauly's mom (God bless her) is worried that he might get a cold sore or an ear infection from a dirty hot tub. The countless one night stands with swamp things don't worry her per se, but those ear infections are serious business...
• Is anybody else certifiably depressed that the entire cast is driving 7-series beamers this season?
• The source of Sammy's inexplicable arrogance is a bigger mystery than the Roswell landings.
• Ron and Sammy truly have the social intelligence of a downs syndrome child with severe autism. By the way, if faced with the option of sharing a room with Ron and Samm and sleeping in the garage, I'd choose the garage, with the garage door down and the car's exhaust running.
• In case you're keeping score at home, I'm 15 minutes into the first episode at this point..
• I watched a very graphic holocaust documentary the other day that was less painful/cringe-inducing than watching Sammy interact with other people.
• And we have the early favorite for quote of the year! "If Deena was a holiday she'd be Thanksgiving, cuz she's got a lot to give and she's down for a good stuffing." - The Situation. I second that assessment Situation and I would add that, like the Natives at the first Thanksgiving, she's about to get screwed.
• At this point I'd like to thank Snooki for having the decency to wear a one-piece bathing suit into the hot tub. I'd have preferred she wear a hooded wetsuit but it's better than a two-piece bikini.
• From this day forward fat girls who look doable with beer goggles on will be called "awkwardly attractive." Thanks Deena and Situation.
• The Sitch is delivering the goods early on. After seeing Deena lose her bikini bottom during her drunken striptease the Situation asks (in all seriousness), "does the Situation want to get situated right now?" Would somebody please give his writer at MTV a raise already!
• The last commercial break just teased the upcoming fight between Sammy and the rest of the girls. I haven't wanted a fight this bad since the initial Pacquiao-Mayweather negotiations. Similarly, I haven't wanted a person knocked out this badly (read: Sammy) since Mayweather began talking smack about Pacman's alleged steroid use. I'm just hoping Mills Lane doesn't stop the fight prematurely. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFyZ1Q1knkI)
• The Shore just wouldn't be the Shore without Ronnie threatening a female.
• Teen Mom 2: reason #256 why the terrorists hate us (and I can't blame them). And yes, this means there was a Teen Mom 1.
• Did the guy from the Bronx (Ronnie) just call the girl from Poughkeepsie "ghetto"? Fuck and yes! Kinda like a guy from Compton calling a guy from Watts "hood rich" but who's keeping track.

Episode 2:

• In what is surely a sign of the coming apocalypse, the number of people watching Jersey Shore this season is up 43 percent over last season. To put that into perspective, the show's popularity is now growing faster than a real life Jersey Shore gonorrhea outbreak.
• If you're scoring at home, it's Sammi 1, JWOWW's hair extensions (and fight fans in general) zero.
• Note to self: never drunk dial your significant other on your anniversary and not mention your anniversary. Let's be honest though, what would a JWOWW and Tom anniversary look like? A couples spray tan followed by an all you can eat buffet at the local Olive Garden, followed of course by amateur night at the local peeler bar?
• Vinny's going on a hog hunt. Give him credit, at least he's accurate.
• Worse nightmare for a parent: a) finding out your daughter's a stripper b) finding out your daughter's a fluffer girl in Simi Valley, CA (look it up) or c) watching your daughter go home with one of the guys from Jersey Shore on national television? If you answered b or c, give yourself a star.
• Ah, the age old art of negotiating a tag-team. And they say chivalry is dead. In related news, Mike and Vinny's lawyers have moved that this footage be inadmissable in court on the grounds that the girl signed a release form at the bar. Condoning drunken rape charges...MTV everybody!!!
• It's nice to see the Sitch is picking up from where he left off last season and not letting something as trivial as his dignity get in the way of grovelling for Vinny's sloppy seconds
• Sammi and Ron are going to church to make amends for all the sins that have happened at the shore house lately. Which raises the question: Which is the bigger crime against humanity? A) The Catholic Church's stance on condoms, given Sub-Saharan Africa's AIDS epidemic B) The Church's stance on stem cell research, or C) The Catholic Church (They're Italian.. I'm making some assumptions here!) forgiving Ron and Sammi for their sins.
• And now, a non-exhaustive list of historically significant moments: Newton's discovery of gravity; Darwin finalizing his theory of evolution; and, Ronnie and Samm skipping a Sunday dinner.
• I wonder if the Situation does catering?

Episode 3

• Vinny: "A lot of guys might think I'm crazy for not wanting Snooki to [touch my junk]." Correction Vinny, most guys wouldn't touch Snooki even with your junk. Big difference.
• I'll give Mike credit, he's being nicer about Deena's unwanted advances than I would. But then again, I think it's only because deep down he knows there may come a time when he's belligerently drunk and wants a piece of ass... and when that time comes he'll call Deena.
• Did you ever think you'd hear a Jersey Shore cast member (Snooki) say "My ass is burning. Oh my God it's so itchy!"? Well, yes. In fact, I'm actually surprised it didn't happen earlier. But did you ever think you'd hear somebody say that and be referring to a sun burn and NOT a herpes breakout?
• "I need a mind condom because I'm getting mind fucked." - Ronnie's first submission for the quote of the year honors. Excellent first submission Ronnie.
• Move over Season 2 Ronnie, there's a new IFF member in town...
• Wow, rock bottom indeed. At this point, I don't think you can even call Snooki a functioning alcoholic. Then again, I'm not sure she was ever really a functioning anything.
• Jail? Seriously!? That's ridiculous..we all know that the police should be taking Snooki to the Pound.

Episode 4

• First off, apologies for the drop-off in posting quality last week. I was sober when I wrote it. I promise it won't happen again.
• Re: Snooki's trip to jail: Really Snooki's dad? Really? You can't tell me you're fazed by anything your daughter does anymore. That ship has sailed pops.
• Always good to see MVP back in action.
• "Faux hawk is like my best thing!" - Deena. Which reminds me, I think we can go ahead and give Deena the Rookie of the Year award this season. Cheerful demeanor, great quotes, makes the people around her more interesting. Hell, I might even consider her for MVP. Which also reminds me, if we can add people to the cast (and we've already removed one in Angelina) why can't we also remove Sammi and/or Ronnie? I would argue that Sammi and Ronnie have failed to live up to their responsibilities as reality show cast members this season. I say this is grounds for removal. I mean, has Sammi even got out of bed once this season!? Ronnie you can stay, but only if you're drunk (all the time) and single. IFF Ronnie was a blast.
• Okay, real talk. If you've ever been out drinking and seen a person (a look-alike) who looks a lot like someone you know or a celebrity, and you HAVEN'T forced that person to pose for a photo with you (so you can prove to your friends you did see said look-alike) then I don't know you.
• Of course Ronnie knows look-alike Ronnie!
• The Irish potato famine was less tragic than the "Irish" juicehead hooking up with Snooki.
• "I just had a baby in the toilet" - Snooki, clearly quoting her mother's reaction to Snooki's birth.
• I know the show doesn't deal with this but let's be honest, JWOWW is clearly searching for the one thing she's most worried Tom stole--the sex tape. And yes, he definitely took it. (Vivid has probably already received it as I'm writing this).
• Please God, I don't ask you for much, but please grant Sammi's wish to go home next episode. Sincerely, the entire world.
• Over/under on the likelihood MTV paid Ryder to come visit to sabotage Snooki's sobriety? 2:1.

Episode 5

• Before we get started I wanted to give my thoughts on the news that the cast will spending Season 4 in Italy. Personally, I'm all for it. Anytime you have the opportunity to drop this group of imbeciles in the middle of a foreign country you have to do it. But, before you start to complain that these douchebags aren't Italian but rather Italian-American (of the New Jersey persuasion), and before you start to tell me that Italians will want nothing to do with these 'bags, I want to remind you that this guy is the Prime Minister of Italy: http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2009/09/wolff200909
• Surprisingly, another solid Ronnie quote: "No apology? Just a pizza slice? She couldn't have brought me a protein shake?" I can relate. I hate it when a girl doesn't bring me a protein shake as a peace offering after an argument.
• Question: where do I buy a grenade whistle?
• Deena: "I'm gonna rip him a new asshole!" Yes you will....with your tongue!!!

Episode 6

• Drunk Ronnie's back and I, for one, missed him.
• Snooki slept in the dog pen. Of course she did! In related news, it looks like Snooks has fallen off the wagon.
• I didn't need to hear the doctors diagnosis of Ronnie. He clearly has kidney damage from all the roid use. I call BS on the drinking diagnosis.
• Pauly's "Cosmo Kramer" phone message shtick may be the comedy highlight of the season. Well executed.
• At this point, Ronnie is exhibiting signs of battered wife syndrome. Additionally, Samm has made this show unwatchable.
• Is it just me or has MTV been teasing Samm going home ALL SEASON!!

Episode 7

• Mike's official new name is "The Sitch Disturbor" (and yes I'm copyrighting this)
• Two minutes into a girls' day out and Sammi sees Ronnie with AN IMAGINARY GIRL. Will somebody please give this girl some Thorazine and a referral to Dr. Drew?!
• Apparently the "no shirt, no service" policy hasn't yet made its way to the Shore.
• In case you're keeping score at home, Ronnie has now been mixing watermelon & vodka cocktails in the blender for roughly half the episode. If I don't see IFF Ronnie tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
• Did anybody else notice the incredible attention to detail Pauly has when spray cleaning his sneakers? Also, yet another classic Pauly D quote (while Samm and Ron are fighting again): "I'm over here trying to clean my sneakers but I can't concentrate cuz they're always fighting! I mean my sneakers are dirty!" If I had a nickel for every time my sneaker cleanings were interrupted by an argument.
• Did Ronnie just try to throw Samm's bed (which is much wider than the doorway btw) out of the room...with her on it!? Fuck and yes.
• In all seriousness, who's more mentally unstable: Ron or Samm? Let's turn to Dr. Drew for a ruling.
• How great would it be to have Jim Ross (of WWE fame) commentating on Ronnie's bedroom flip-out? "And Ronnie has lost it! He's takin' out the trash!!! Nobody can control him!!! How.....far.....will....he.....go!!!"
• Serious question: If Ron kills Samm or vice versa, is MTV legally liable?
• It wouldn't be a Jersey Shore episode without Ronnie crying....over and over and over again.
• To answer your question: yes, JWOWW will be presenting at the AVN Awards this year (in the S&M category).
• I have to agree with Deena and Snooki on the retro (tight) boardshorts. Those things should never have been resurrected from the historical dustbin. That guy deserved to be mocked. I hope you're listening Quiksilver!
• Sammi's (finally) leaving! Thank you Jeeeeeeeeesus!!!

Episode 8

• Five minutes in and they're already foreshadowing Sammi's inevitable return (and my exit). You have to give MTV credit, they're nothing if not consistent.
• As you know, I was the first person to coin the nickname the "Sitch Disturbor", however, I fully support the "Snitchuation". And given the tease about Mike snaking Pauly's ex on the dance floor, I have a feeling he's going to earn another nickname this episode.
• Re: the toilet plugging scene: picture that only leaving your roommate with the mess because you have to catch a flight and don't own a plunger. E, sorry buddy, my bad!
• If you're a plumber in the Tri-State area, what is the absolute worst house call you could ever receive? Tampons, condoms, unborn fetises, Snooki shits... seriously, what would be worse than being called to unclog the Jersey Shore toilet? I hope that guy got hazard pay.
• Ronnie has now essentially spent the last two episodes alternating between fits of violent rage and bouts of crying and depression. [Cue sarcasm] It's almost like he's on some sort of drug that causes severe mood swings. It's as if he's on a drug that's messing with his hormone/testosterone levels...I wonder what it is?
• Speaking of Snooki shits (and what is Snooki if not a little turd): "Ronnie needs to stop crying and get out of the bathroom now cuz I have to [#2]"
• Sammi's return foreshadow #2. Don't do it! Don't you fucking do it!
• Look, if you want to get revenge on the kid who cockedblocked you when you tried to hook up with his cousin, what's better: 1) cockblogging him as he's trying to hook-up with Snooki (saving him from a case of the clap) or 2) letting him sleep with Snooki?
• Did the Situation just blatantly snort coke on the dance floor while grinding with Pauly's ex? Yes, yes he did. Ladies and gentlemen...the Sitch's secret workout regimen has just been revealed!
• Situation, you're dead to me.
• And Sammi's returning next episode. This may be my last blog post.

Required Reading for January 2011

• From Canadian Business, an essay examining economic inequality in Canada and the US. The piece attempts to answer the question: is this a new Gilded Age or the seed of class warfare? http://tinyurl.com/2f7g869
• To this day I can't decide whether the sports "news" (read: gossip) site Deadspin.com is genius or an indictment of our tabloid society. In case you're not familiar with the site, Deadspin broke the Brett Favre "Dong Shot" story as well as the Rex Ryan "Foot Fetish" story. Anyway, I can't help myself from visiting the site daily. And I promise you the comments that accompany each story are hands down the funniest thing you will read all day. GQ profiles Deadspin's current (and infamous) editor A.J. Daulerio, and asks some interesting questions about the future of sports journalism: http://www.gq.com/sports/profiles/201102/aj-daulerio-deadspin-brett-favre-story
• It's been a while since I've come across a Hitchens column. Therefore, I especially liked his evisceration of the movie The King's Speech in Slate. I've seen the movie, which is incredibly well acted. However, it's factual inaccuracy is exposed here. As always, I remain convinced Canada should be a republic. Off with their heads! http://www.slate.com/id/2282194/
• From London's Daily Telegraph: Did Egypt and Tunisia just usher in the new era of global food revolutions? http://tinyurl.com/6h3t2l2. The lesson: Go long grain futures?