Episode 1
- The Jersey Shore is proof that the seasons may change but the fitted Ed Hardy t-shirts remain the same.
- Pauly's mom just asked him if anyone cleans the hot tub at the beach house. You see, she's worried that the hot tub might get a little dirty with all those crazy kids using it. I want you to think about that for a second. Pauly's mom (God bless her) is worried that he might get a cold sore or an ear infection from a dirty hot tub. The countless one night stands with swamp things don't worry her per se, but those ear infections are serious business...
- Is anybody else certifiably depressed that the entire cast is driving 7-series beamers this season?
- The source of Sammy's inexplicable arrogance is a bigger mystery than the Roswell landings.
- Ron and Sammy truly have the social intelligence of a downs syndrome child with severe autism. By the way, if faced with the option of sharing a room with Ron and Samm and sleeping in the garage, I'd choose the garage, with the garage door down and the car's exhaust running.
- In case you're keeping score at home, I'm 15 minutes into the first episode at this point..
- I watched a very graphic holocaust documentary the other day that was less painful/cringe-inducing than watching Sammy interact with other people.
- And we have the early favorite for quote of the year! "If Deena was a holiday she'd be Thanksgiving, cuz she's got a lot to give and she's down for a good stuffing." - The Situation. I second that assessment Situation and I would add that, like the Natives at the first Thanksgiving, she's about to get screwed.
- At this point I'd like to thank Snooki for having the decency to wear a one-piece bathing suit into the hot tub. I'd have preferred she wear a hooded wetsuit but it's better than a two-piece bikini.
- From this day forward fat girls who look doable with beer goggles on will be called "awkwardly attractive." Thanks Deena and Situation.
- The Sitch is delivering the goods early on. After seeing Deena lose her bikini bottom during her drunken striptease the Situation asks (in all seriousness), "does the Situation want to get situated right now?" Would somebody please give his writer at MTV a raise already!
- The last commercial break just teased the upcoming fight between Sammy and the rest of the girls. I haven't wanted a fight this bad since the initial Pacquiao-Mayweather negotiations. Similarly, I haven't wanted a person knocked out this badly (read: Sammy) since Mayweather began talking smack about Pacman's alleged steroid use. I'm just hoping Mills Lane doesn't stop the fight prematurely. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFyZ1Q1knkI)
- The Shore just wouldn't be the Shore without Ronnie threatening a female.
- Teen Mom 2: reason #256 why the terrorists hate us (and I can't blame them). And yes, this means there was a Teen Mom 1.
- Did the guy from the Bronx (Ronnie) just call the girl from Poughkeepsie "ghetto"? Fuck and yes! Kinda like a guy from Compton calling a guy from Watts "hood rich" but who's keeping track.
Episode 2:
- In what is surely a sign of the coming apocalypse, the number of people watching Jersey Shore this season is up 43 percent over last season. To put that into perspective, the show's popularity is now growing faster than a real life Jersey Shore gonorrhea outbreak.
- If you're scoring at home, it's Sammi 1, JWOWW's hair extensions (and fight fans in general) zero.
- Note to self: never drunk dial your significant other on your anniversary and not mention your anniversary. Let's be honest though, what would a JWOWW and Tom anniversary look like? A couples spray tan followed by an all you can eat buffet at the local Olive Garden, followed of course by amateur night at the local peeler bar?
- Vinny's going on a hog hunt. Give him credit, at least he's accurate.
- Worse nightmare for a parent: a) finding out your daughter's a stripper b) finding out your daughter's a fluffer girl in Simi Valley, CA (look it up) or c) watching your daughter go home with one of the guys from Jersey Shore on national television? If you answered b or c, give yourself a star.
- Ah, the age old art of negotiating a tag-team. And they say chivalry is dead. In related news, Mike and Vinny's lawyers have moved that this footage be inadmissable in court on the grounds that the girl signed a release form at the bar. Condoning drunken rape charges...MTV everybody!!!
- It's nice to see the Sitch is picking up from where he left off last season and not letting something as trivial as his dignity get in the way of grovelling for Vinny's sloppy seconds
- Sammi and Ron are going to church to make amends for all the sins that have happened at the shore house lately. Which raises the question: Which is the bigger crime against humanity? A) The Catholic Church's stance on condoms, given Sub-Saharan Africa's AIDS epidemic B) The Church's stance on stem cell research, or C) The Catholic Church (They're Italian.. I'm making some assumptions here!) forgiving Ron and Sammi for their sins.
- And now, a non-exhaustive list of historically significant moments: Newton's discovery of gravity; Darwin finalizing his theory of evolution; and, Ronnie and Samm skipping a Sunday dinner.
- I wonder if the Situation does catering?
Episode 3
- Vinny: "A lot of guys might think I'm crazy for not wanting Snooki to [touch my junk]." Correction Vinny, most guys wouldn't touch Snooki even with your junk. Big difference.
- I'll give Mike credit, he's being nicer about Deena's unwanted advances than I would. But then again, I think it's only because deep down he knows there may come a time when he's belligerently drunk and wants a piece of ass... and when that time comes he'll call Deena.
- Did you ever think you'd hear a Jersey Shore cast member (Snooki) say "My ass is burning. Oh my God it's so itchy!"? Well, yes. In fact, I'm actually surprised it didn't happen earlier. But did you ever think you'd hear somebody say that and be referring to a sun burn and NOT a herpes breakout?
- "I need a mind condom because I'm getting mind fucked." - Ronnie's first submission for the quote of the year honors. Excellent first submission Ronnie.
- Move over Season 2 Ronnie, there's a new IFF member in town...
- Wow, rock bottom indeed. At this point, I don't think you can even call Snooki a functioning alcoholic. Then again, I'm not sure she was ever really a functioning anything.
- Jail? Seriously!? That's ridiculous..we all know that the police should be taking Snooki to the Pound.
Episode 4
- First off, apologies for the drop-off in posting quality last week. I was sober when I wrote it. I promise it won't happen again.
- Re: Snooki's trip to jail: Really Snooki's dad? Really? You can't tell me you're fazed by anything your daughter does anymore. That ship has sailed pops.
- Always good to see MVP back in action.
- "Faux hawk is like my best thing!" - Deena. Which reminds me, I think we can go ahead and give Deena the Rookie of the Year award this season. Cheerful demeanor, great quotes, makes the people around her more interesting. Hell, I might even consider her for MVP. Which also reminds me, if we can add people to the cast (and we've already removed one in Angelina) why can't we also remove Sammi and/or Ronnie? I would argue that Sammi and Ronnie have failed to live up to their responsibilities as reality show cast members this season. I say this is grounds for removal. I mean, has Sammi even got out of bed once this season!? Ronnie you can stay, but only if you're drunk (all the time) and single. IFF Ronnie was a blast.
- Okay, real talk. If you've ever been out drinking and seen a person (a look-alike) who looks a lot like someone you know or a celebrity, and you HAVEN'T forced that person to pose for a photo with you (so you can prove to your friends you did see said look-alike) then I don't know you.
- Of course Ronnie knows look-alike Ronnie!
- The Irish potato famine was less tragic than the "Irish" juicehead hooking up with Snooki.
- "I just had a baby in the toilet" - Snooki, clearly quoting her mother's reaction to Snooki's birth.
- I know the show doesn't deal with this but let's be honest, JWOWW is clearly searching for the one thing she's most worried Tom stole--the sex tape. And yes, he definitely took it. (Vivid has probably already received it as I'm writing this).
- Please God, I don't ask you for much, but please grant Sammi's wish to go home next episode. Sincerely, the entire world.
- Over/under on the likelihood MTV paid Ryder to come visit to sabotage Snooki's sobriety? 2:1.
Episode 5
- Before we get started I wanted to give my thoughts on the news that the cast will spending Season 4 in Italy. Personally, I'm all for it. Anytime you have the opportunity to drop this group of imbeciles in the middle of a foreign country you have to do it. But, before you start to complain that these douchebags aren't Italian but rather Italian-American (of the New Jersey persuasion), and before you start to tell me that Italians will want nothing to do with these 'bags, I want to remind you that this guy is the Prime Minister of Italy: http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2009/09/wolff200909
- Surprisingly, another solid Ronnie quote: "No apology? Just a pizza slice? She couldn't have brought me a protein shake?" I can relate. I hate it when a girl doesn't bring me a protein shake as a peace offering after an argument.
- Question: where do I buy a grenade whistle?
- Deena: "I'm gonna rip him a new asshole!" Yes you will....with your tongue!!!
- Drunk Ronnie's back and I, for one, missed him.
- Snooki slept in the dog pen. Of course she did! In related news, it looks like Snooks has fallen off the wagon.
- I didn't need to hear the doctors diagnosis of Ronnie. He clearly has kidney damage from all the roid use. I call BS on the drinking diagnosis.
- Pauly's "Cosmo Kramer" phone message shtick may be the comedy highlight of the season. Well executed.
- At this point, Ronnie is exhibiting signs of battered wife syndrome. Additionally, Samm has made this show unwatchable.
- Is it just me or has MTV been teasing Samm going home ALL SEASON!!
- Mike's official new name is "The Sitch Disturbor" (and yes I'm copyrighting this)
- Two minutes into a girls' day out and Sammi sees Ronnie with AN IMAGINARY GIRL. Will somebody please give this girl some Thorazine and a referral to Dr. Drew?!
- Apparently the "no shirt, no service" policy hasn't yet made its way to the Shore.
- In case you're keeping score at home, Ronnie has now been mixing watermelon & vodka cocktails in the blender for roughly half the episode. If I don't see IFF Ronnie tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
- Did anybody else notice the incredible attention to detail Pauly has when spray cleaning his sneakers? Also, yet another classic Pauly D quote (while Samm and Ron are fighting again): "I'm over here trying to clean my sneakers but I can't concentrate cuz they're always fighting! I mean my sneakers are dirty!" If I had a nickel for every time my sneaker cleanings were interrupted by an argument.
- Did Ronnie just try to throw Samm's bed (which is much wider than the doorway btw) out of the room...with her on it!? Fuck and yes.
- In all seriousness, who's more mentally unstable: Ron or Samm? Let's turn to Dr. Drew for a ruling.
- How great would it be to have Jim Ross (of WWE fame) commentating on Ronnie's bedroom flip-out? "And Ronnie has lost it! He's takin' out the trash!!! Nobody can control him!!! How.....far.....will....he.....go!!!"
- Serious question: If Ron kills Samm or vice versa, is MTV legally liable?
- It wouldn't be a Jersey Shore episode without Ronnie crying....over and over and over again.
- To answer your question: yes, JWOWW will be presenting at the AVN Awards this year (in the S&M category).
- I have to agree with Deena and Snooki on the retro (tight) boardshorts. Those things should never have been resurrected from the historical dustbin. That guy deserved to be mocked. I hope you're listening Quiksilver!
- Sammi's (finally) leaving! Thank you Jeeeeeeeeesus!!!
Episode 8
- Five minutes in and they're already foreshadowing Sammi's inevitable return (and my exit). You have to give MTV credit, they're nothing if not consistent.
- As you know, I was the first person to coin the nickname the "Sitch Disturbor", however, I fully support the "Snitchuation". And given the tease about Mike snaking Pauly's ex on the dance floor, I have a feeling he's going to earn another nickname this episode.
- Re: the toilet plugging scene: picture that only leaving your roommate with the mess because you have to catch a flight and don't own a plunger. E, sorry buddy, my bad!
- If you're a plumber in the Tri-State area, what is the absolute worst house call you could ever receive? Tampons, condoms, unborn fetises, Snooki shits... seriously, what would be worse than being called to unclog the Jersey Shore toilet? I hope that guy got hazard pay.
- Ronnie has now essentially spent the last two episodes alternating between fits of violent rage and bouts of crying and depression. [Cue sarcasm] It's almost like he's on some sort of drug that causes severe mood swings. It's as if he's on a drug that's messing with his hormone/testosterone levels...I wonder what it is?
- Speaking of Snooki shits (and what is Snooki if not a little turd): "Ronnie needs to stop crying and get out of the bathroom now cuz I have to [#2]"
- Sammi's return foreshadow #2. Don't do it! Don't you fucking do it!
- Look, if you want to get revenge on the kid who cockedblocked you when you tried to hook up with his cousin, what's better: 1) cockblogging him as he's trying to hook-up with Snooki (saving him from a case of the clap) or 2) letting him sleep with Snooki?
- Did the Situation just blatantly snort coke on the dance floor while grinding with Pauly's ex? Yes, yes he did. Ladies and gentlemen...the Sitch's secret workout regimen has just been revealed!
- Situation, you're dead to me.
- And Sammi's returning next episode. This may be my last blog post.
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