A Pre-Drinking Live Blog

I drink. Likely too much. But I would argue that most of my best ideas emerge during that drinking sweet spot between being buzzed and drunk. Whether this is true or not, I can't remember. That's the problem with blasting through the buzz into drunkeness, you don't always remember what happened. But at the behest of others, I've decided to live blog my buzzed ramblings for posterity. Without further adieux...

• Maple Leafs fans are the Afghan tribesmen of the NHL. No one knows what they're so proud of, given their abomination of a country, but they're proud.. freakishly so actually.
• Just abandoned the Canucks-Leafs game for the Humanitarian Bowl starring Northern Illinois and Fresno State. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010 NHL!
• Canucks vs. Leafs. 40 minutes. Two goals. I score more than that.. sexually. Actually no, no I don't. [Sad Face]
• The NCAA just sent a strong message to Cam Newton and Auburn by throwing the book AT OHIO STATE!? Congratulations Congress, you're no longer the most corrupt institution in America.
  

This Week's Poetry Corner

Starbucks line-up.
Three people
talking in line.
For five minutes.
Time to order.
Who wants what?
Nobody knows.
Bullet to head.

Edmonton: A Concise History

The City of Edmonton was founded in the summer of 1795 by Sir Thomas Wolfe of Manchester, England. Initially selected because of its proximity to the mighty North Saskatchewan River and its position on a hill overlooking the river valley, the city quickly expanded east and west during those early summer months. Sadly, the arrival of winter brought with it the lynching of Sir Thomas Wolfe. The city was subsequently named after the man responsible for the lynching, James Edmonton.

Required Reading for December

• From ESPN's The Sports Guy: How to Brainwash Your Daughter into Hating the Lakers. Simmons should be up for Parent of the Year for this. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/101201&sportCat=nba
• From Slate: The Federal Reserve (after Congress forced its to) finally comes clean about the emergency measures it took in 2008. Here's an interesting fun fact: Goldman Sachs would have failed without Fed loans (about $35 billion a day at one point). Also scary -- companies as seemingly sound (and foreign!) as Toyota, Harley Davidson, and Caterpillar also used the Fed facilities (to roll over commercial paper). http://www.slate.com/id/2276605/
• From the Department of the Obvious and the Ministry of Hypocrisy (via Wikileaks): Booze, sex and drugs in the house of Saud. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/dec/07/wikileaks-cables-saudi-princes-parties
• Personally, I think Ricky Gervais is hilarious. I also knew he worked his atheism into his stand-up, which I admire and respect. However, I didn't know he was this well spoken about his disbelief in God. From the WSJ, Ricky Gervais explains why he doesn't believe in God: http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/12/19/a-holiday-message-from-ricky-gervais-why-im-an-atheist/ And the follow-up piece, Gervais answers critics of the previous piece: http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/12/22/does-god-exist-ricky-gervais-takes-your-questions/ Merry Christmas!!

Required Reading for November

• Rest in Peace A.I. From 2006, a pretty moving NY Times piece on the Kelly Slater-Andy Irons rivalry. Although Kelly and Andy eventually put their differences behind them, becoming friends in recent years, the article does a great job of describing just how intense their rivalry was from 2002-2007. They were the Magic vs. Bird of surfing, if Magic and Bird hated each other. The surf world has lost one of the all time greats. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/20/sports/playmagazine/20slater-irons.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all
• Excellent Op-Ed from the Wall Street Journal. "California: The Lindsay Lohan of States". http://tinyurl.com/2cf4xtn
• From Fortune, a profile of Corporate America's Number One 'gun for hire,' lawyer David Boies. I had no idea who Boies was before reading the article, but he's the guy who represented Al Gore v. G.W. Bush in 2000, defended Napster in 2001 and took on Microsoft in 1997. A really good read. http://money.cnn.com/2010/10/19/news/companies/david_boies_profile_full.fortune/index.htm
• Given the general political slant of its reporting, I'm not one to lavish praise on the CBC. However, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, I couldn't be more proud of the CBC's investigation into the (Hezbollah) assassination of Lebanon's (democratically elected and Western-leaning) Prime Minister Rafik Hariri in 2005. This is some seriously impressive hard hitting investigative journalism that at once outs Hezbollah as the state sponsored hit squad it is (with the backing of Iran) while also outing the utter uselessness of the United Nations. I'd say that deserves some high praise http://news.ca.msn.com/top-stories/cbc-article.aspx?cp-documentid=26441906

Rediscovered Youth

I haven't owned a video game system since the original Playstation. I stopped playing NHL back in about 1996 after the game became too complicated for me. But last week I did something crazy -- I bought a PS3. I justified the purchase on the grounds that 1) I needed a Bluray player (the PS3 comes with a Bluray player built in) and 2) I will be buying NBA Jam when its available on PS3 after Christmas (it's currently only available on Wii). If you haven't seen it, here's the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bUm4_dyiI4. Anyway, today I came across a hilarious review NBA Jam on Deadspin (http://deadspin.com/5672597/searching-for-big-country-an-outsize-guide-to-the-new-nba-jam) and reading it was like walking down memory lane. If you grew up in Victoria during the mid-90s I guarantee you shattered virtual backboards with Shawn Kemp and heated up while launching tres from half-court with Detlef Schrempf (btw, will somebody please remind me why Gary Payton wasn't part of that duo?). And if you weren't ballin' with the Reign Man, you were definitely dominating with Clyde 'the Glide' and Terry Porter. Long story short, come Christmas, we'll be able to do it again and I couldn't be more stoked.

Anyway, to pass the time before Jam is released, I picked up the new NBA 2K11 last week. The game is amazing, especially for a guy who had never seen a video game in HD (they exist?). For me playing 2k11 was roughly equivalent to going into a coma when Zach Morris cell phones were new and waking up as the iPhone 4 is being released. Mind-altering stuff. But last night I decided to play one of the game's 10 "Greatest Jordan Moment" scenarios. Namely, game 6 of the '96 Finals between the Bulls and Sonics. If you'll recall, the Bulls won the first three games of that series before the Sonics forced a game 6 in Chicago. In 2k11, your job is to replicate (or better) Jordan's totals from that game (22 pts, 9 rebounds, 7 assists)..oh, and win the game. Well, seeing as I haven't played video games since roughly the same time the Bulls and Sonics met for game six in '96, I failed in this endeavor. Shawn Kemp on the other hand was more than up for the challenge. In four (not real time) 8 minute quarters the Reign Man made it rain on my Bulls to the tune of about 55 points. That's like 8 points for each of his kids! Seriously, his posterizations were so awesome that I couldn't help but watch the replays. I had seriously forgotten how good he was back in the day. Also forgotten -- how great Gary Payton was in his prime. During that game, GP broke more ankles than the staircase at a Victoria old folks home. Suffice to say, I wasn't able to replicate Jordans '96 performance. Rather, I rewrote history so that the Sonics forced a game 7 in Chicago and in all likelihood won the series if I were the opponent. In any event, all of this is to say the Sonics leaving Seattle is a crime against humanity. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0mibkryC4Y

Required Reading for October

• Who's bankrolling anti-oil sands groups, many of which claim grassroots/local credentials? Multi-billion dollar American charitable foundations actually. An excellent expose in the Financial Post: http://opinion.financialpost.com/2010/10/14/u-s-foundations-against-the-oil-sands/
• A Vanity Fair story about tragedy on Mont Blanc, Western Europe's tallest mountain, and the world's deadliest (in absolute terms). Throw in a successful Mt. Everest summit and the world's first (north) pole to (south) pole journey fueled entirely by manpower and natural power and you have one helluva read. http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2010/11/prep-school-climbers-201011?printable=true&currentPage=2
• From Deadspin, a hilarious review of the new NBA Jam video game. The highlight: Bryant 'Big Country' Reeves is back baby!! http://deadspin.com/5672597/searching-for-big-country-an-outsize-guide-to-the-new-nba-jam

Observations/Rants (October 2010)

• It's been reported that a Turkish basketball team from Istanbul has offered Allen Iverson a one year contract worth about $2 million. Yes, that would be the same Turkey that routinely dishes out 20 year prison sentences for a little Hashish. What could possibly go wrong?
• Am I the only person who's proud of the fact that Canada didn't win a UN Security Council seat? Clearly, Canada's foreign policies (and aid decisions) pissed off enough Middle East/African dictatorships to cost us the votes needed for a seat. Isn't that something to be proud of? Latin America heavily supported Canada's bid by the way. Simply put the UN and its Security Council are not institutions I care about at all. It seems to me the Council's sole function is to condemn the West (which the Western members allow) and veto condemnations of serial human rights abusers (China, Russia, Iran, etc). We're supposed to be upset Canada doesn't get to contribute to this farce? To wit, federal Tories, keep doing what you're doing internationally!

Required Reading for September

• Malcolm Gladwell has called Michael Lewis the greatest story teller of our generation. I would have to agree. His latest column for Vanity Fair examines Greece's financial insanity. If you thought Iceland was a financial basketcase wait until you read about Greece. There are despots in Sub-Saharan Africa that are shocked by the level of corruption in Greece. "Beware of Greeks Bearing Bonds": http://www.vanityfair.com/business/features/2010/10/greeks-bearing-bonds-201010?printable=true
• What’s an atheist to think when thousands of believers (including prominent rabbis and priests) are praying for his survival and salvation—while others believe his cancer was divinely inspired, and hope that he burns in hell? Hitchens' latest in Vanity Fair: http://tinyurl.com/23mqktg
• Continuing with the religion theme, Hitchens' latest for slate. Summarized: "The taming and domestication of religious faith is one of the unceasing chores of civilization." http://www.slate.com/id/2266154/
• The Atlantic's Jeffrey Goldberg has penned a two part mini-piece on Fidel Castro based on conversations he recently had with Fidel in Havana. My only comment: is this Fidel's deathbed confession? Very interesting stuff, including Fidel's acknowledgement that the "The [Communist] Model Doesn't Even Work For [Cuba] Anymore". Part 1: http://tinyurl.com/2fmqd2u. Part 2 (re: Iran/Ahmadinejad's anti-semitism): http://tinyurl.com/34anpsh
• McLeans asks what laws apply to the Chilean miners trapped a kilometre beneath the surface? If you read this article and your first thought wasn't Hobbes and Rousseau's Social Contract, then you're not me nor a complete nerd. Still, it's an incredibly interesting philosophical question. Could a situation arise whereby the miners free themselves of Chilean law and instead create a new social contract appropriate to the situation they find themselves in? (i.e. lack of food, no privacy, heavy mental stress, aka survival mode). http://www2.macleans.ca/2010/09/08/that-far-down-who-decides-whats-law/
• Kelly Slater won the Hurley Pro at Trestles on Saturday, making him the odds-on favorite to win his 10th World Championship this year. Grindtv asks "Is Kelly Slater the Greatest Athlete Ever? No Seriously?" http://www.grindtv.com/surf/blog/20591/could+kelly+slater+be+the+best+athlete+ever+no+seriously/ It's not as preposterous as you think. If it weren't for Mick Fanning, Slater would likely be working on his 6th consecutive World Championship this year.. to go with his 5 consecutive titles in the 1990s. Throw in his three year hiatus between 1999 and 2003 and he could easily have a dozen World Titles by now. Also, only two guys have ever beaten Kelly for the title since he's been on the tour (Andy Irons and Mick Fanning). Nobody else has done it and Andy's no longer even on the tour. Add to this the fact that Slater grew up in wave-starved Florida and it's even more amazing (generally, outside of Slater, most of the top pros come from Hawaii and Australia). Plus he was banging Pam Anderson when that was something to be proud of!! Definitely and interesting argument.
• Malcolm Gladwell asks, "is social media capable of creating real social change?" In the New Yorker: "The Revolution will not be Tweeted": http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/10/04/101004fa_fact_gladwell?printable=true
• Michael Lewis asks why are Wall Street banks shutting down their prop trading desks after fighting Congress tooth and nail to prevent a prop trading ban (and winning, by the way)? Whatever the reasons, somehow taxpayers and shareholders (and most likely the global financial system) will be screwed down the road. http://tinyurl.com/2egc9eu
• After the Wall Street overhaul (underhaul?) bill, bankers, no longer able to gamble with shareholder money through prop trading, are fleeing for the safety of (largely unregulated) hedgefunds. What could possibly go wrong? Vanity Fair shows you "how to start a hedge fund." Funny stuff. http://www.vanityfair.com/business/features/2010/09/hedge-funders-201009

A Not-So-Live Blog of Season 2 of Jersey Shore

Taking a page out of Bill Simmons' literary repetoire, I've decided to post my initial reactions to watching each episode of Season 2 of Jersey Shore. Please don't judge me for this.

Yes, the 'bags and 'baguettes have invaded South Beach and I'm here to provide my gut reaction to the jarring television experience that is the Jersey Shore. Here we go... brought to you by Valtrex.

Episode 1:

• Ronnie and Sammy are definitely OJ Simpson-Nicole Brown waiting to happen.
• The guys are absolute gentlemen scholars compared to the girls (with the exception of drunk Ronnie aka Sloppy Joe)
• New vocab words learned: smoosh (sex), "do you (do whatever you want, I don't care)," landmine (a thinner ugly chick) vs grenade (a bigger ugly chick).
• JWOWW should probably be locked up as a preventative measure. If she were a guy she'd be in jail or the UFC by now. She may have more testosterone than the guys, which in hindsight may explain why she said she likes to "tear a guy's head off after sleeping with him."

Episode 2:

• How are Ronnie and Sammy doing? Well, OJ's putting on his leather gloves. Nicole's openly taunting him by driving around in one of OJ's cars with Ron Goldman. And even Kato Kaelin knows something's not right.
• President Obama: "Secretary of State Clinton has assured me that the US is well positioned to assist with the ongoing flood relief in Pakistan." JWOWW: "'Jay420' and 'Joey Yanks' told me that you were talking shit about her!" Awesome.
• The girls went shopping for bar clothes at a tranny clothing store. Of course they did.

Episode 3:

• The evidence suggests Ronnie developed both a drinking problem and a bipolar disorder since last summer. That's unfortunate.
• The Situation's moment of clarity in the hottub when he realizes he's surrounded by grenades is easily the high point of the season so far. Tell me this isn't the face of a terrified man:

Episode 4:

• Okay, who roofied Ronnie?
• When will these kids learn that no good ever came from drunk dialing?
• Possible spin-off idea: an Emilio vs. Ronnie "Drunk-Off". I'd pay to see this.
• OJ has the leather gloves on but he forgot the keys to the Ford Bronco. Only a minor setback.
• New vocab: the IFF (I'm Fucked Foundation). Ronnie is the President. I will definitely be using this in future conversations.

Episode 5:

• MVP was downright surgical tonight... like a grenade disposal unit. Wasn't sure if they still had it in 'em. Proud day for me.
• On a separate note, is MTV's "Teen Mom" the new low point for Western Civilization? Maury Povich, if you're reading this, I've found some future guests for your show.
• Maybe OJ's life would have turned out differently if someone had just handed Nicole a note? No? Okay.
• The Situation really is the show's moral compass. He's like George Washington, he can't tell a lie. Yup, exactly like George Washington.

Episode 6:

• So much to digest this episode...
• The highlight of the season so far for me: Doctor Pauly D providing Vinnie's medical history at the clinic: "[Vinnie] also has a history of pink eye, just to throw that out there." Most people think Mike has the best quotes on the show but I have to disagree. Pauly delivers consistently funny lines every episode and I don't think he's getting the respect he deserves. He's like the thinking man's Situation. Yes, I just used the phrase "thinking man" while referring to Pauly D.
• Douchebags need to wear sunglasses inside the club more often. I feel like they're an underutilized d-bag accessory.
• And we (already) have a new highlight of the season: The Situation postponing sex so he can grab a bite to eat (pasta no less). Absolutely classic--awe-inspiring even. And then he follows it hitman-style by skipping the post-coital and calling her a taxi. You're a shameless one Situation, but well played.
• Speaking of The Situation, his range is truly terrifying. Within 24 hours he went from a one night stand with a cute blond to a DFMO with a tranny. I don't know if he'll ever recover.
• Looks like it's Pauly's turn to join the I'm Fucked Foundation. Which is good because Ronnie could really use the company.

Episode 7

• First, the good...
• I'm so proud of Vinny. The Hooters waitress from the bar was an absolute 10 and he didn't even need an assist from MVP. To quote Trent from Swingers, "Our boy's all grows'd up today!" A proud moment for me. I would imagine what I'm feeling is roughly similar to the feeling a parent gets when their child says their first word.
• And what did I say about Pauly D? The man consistently brings the funny. His reaction to the girl's coldsore at the beach was classic: "Nothing like a nice herpe to ruin the party." Indeed, Pauly, and you'd know about herpes.
• But Pauly wasn't done there, he managed to somehow top his "herpes" comment with his reaction to Vinny and Angelina making out in the back of the cab: "Can we stop so Vinnie can buy Angelina a fossil watch!?" He's my pick for season MVP at this point.
• Pauly's phrase "the shirt before the shirt" is a keeper. The idea itself isn't new. I've always worn a shirt before the shirt... I do it so I don't spill booze on the shirt I plan on wearing out after pre-drinks. However, to codify the observation with a new phrase is brilliant in a Pauly D sort of way. I wish I had thought of this.
• Now, the bad...
• This episode was hard to watch. Sammi's smugness after the "fight" with JWOWW had me wanting to do violent, violent things. Yes, Sammi, you truly are a winner at this point. Ronnie has you blaming yourself and others for his man-whore behavior with other girls. Clearly, you have a lot to be proud of. By the way, I can't decide whether Ronnie is an absolute genius or full retard. I'm leaning toward the latter but I need more evidence.
• Ronnie and Sammi laughing at other people's dating habits is high comedy. The best analogy I could come up with for this is if Hitler called out Cosmo Kramer for racism.

Episode 8:

• From now on I'm going to start every re-cap with "Pauly's classic quote of the night", brought to you by Valtrex -- Pauly to Vinny after he slept with Angelina aka the Staten Island Dump (Vinny's name for her roughly 24 hours earlier): "We heard you like to visit the Staten Island Dump this time of year...is that true?" Yes, yes it is.
• Uncle Nino!! What can you say about Uncle Nino that hasn't already been said about Joey Buttafuoco? I knew I'd like Uncle Nino from the first moment I saw him. "OG" (original guido) doesn't do him justice..this guy is a legend and I my only regret is I wasn't alive to seem him creepin' back in the 70s.
• This might be slightly off-topic, but Uncle Nino has definitively settled the nature vs. nurture debate once and for all.. you could not not end up a douchebag being raised around that guy. If you want to know what Pauly, Mike, Ronnie and Vinny will be like in 20 years, watch Uncle Nino.
• Did Uncle Nino just compare a walking cane to a woman when he said, "it's like a woman, you can borrow it but you have to bring it back" Fuck and yes.
• I pity the guy typing subtitles for this episode whenever Uncle Nino talks...er, mummbles incoherently.
• I love how Pauly countered The Situation's "super aggressive style" with the girl, with a "kinder gentler style". What is this, Street Fighter? Are they at an arcade?
• How much of a horndog do you have to be to call a girl over at 6:30 am? And more to the point, how low is your self-esteem as a woman when you accept the invitation?
• The Situation going into his and Pauly's room to eat breakfast so he would have a front-row seat for the "slam session" is classic. Mike really is a vindictive bastard. Situation, please never change.
• I was worried Vinny was having a seizure at one point in the club but then I realized he was just dancing.
• I also thought it was cool that Vinny re-enacted this classic scene from swingers during this episode: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0PUrNwvvBk&feature=related I would have never guessed he was a fan.

Episode 9:

• Listen guys, if you're gonna to juice it you need to make sure you take the end of cycle anti-estrogen drugs so you don't become an emotional, estrogen-fueled, whining pussy (think "Bitch Tits" from Fight Club). I'm talking to you Ronnie (in general), Vinny (after his date ditched him) and JWOWW's boyfriend (after he discovers a guy's phone number in her room).
• On a scale of 1-10, how low is Angelina for going after Snooki's sloppy seconds TWICE! Also, how do you explain Vinny's range/lack of shame. The guy goes from Snooki to Hooters Waitress to Angelina and back again with the calmness of a methadone patient post-score.
• When watching this episode, try to keep track of the number of guys who hit on Snooki. It's shockingly high. This should be used in anti-drinking ads across the country.
• Did The Situation just pull a Ben Roethlisberger? I hope commissioner Goodell isn't watching because Mike's looking at a four game suspension for that bathroom hookup attempt. And where was that bouncer when Big Ben was accosting co-eds in Georgia bars!? The Steelers should hire that guy to follow Ben around at night.

Episode 10:

• I'm not going to lie to you, I was drinking while watching this episode. A lot. But based on what I do remember from that night (which isn't a lot), there's not much to say other than this: thank God that's over. I promise to step my game up for Episode 11.
  

Episode 11:

• An observation: Angelina's bed -- that's an IKEA bed. I know this because I own one. MTV, what kind of low budget operation are you running here? Given the amount of smooshing that goes on in those beds, don't you think you could have splurged on a box spring? Hell, a Brick clearance item would have done the trick..
• A question regarding the Snooki-Sam-JWOWW "talk": Have you ever seen that much hair twirling in your life? Seriously, I haven't seen that much hair-play since BarberShop. If you had to guess IQ levels using that footage alone, how low would go? Answer: what's the IQ number for "full retard"?
• Speaking of Samm's hate-on for JWOWW, when I first made the OJ-Nicole Brown analogy for Ron-Samm I was just joking (mostly). But now it couldn't be more accurate. Ron, like OJ, literally got away with murder! Similarly, we can only hope that Ron too is charged with kidnapping and false imprisonement at some point down the road (which I think is a pretty safe bet at this point).
• I knew, based solely on the rat that she tried to pass of as a dog, that Vinnie's Hooters girl was a bitch. Memories of Gonzalez Beach right there.
• I thoroughly enjoyed Mike's "Davey Crockett-chic" look. And by "enjoyed", I mean hated. I'm not saying Mike goes both ways, I'm just saying Mike goes both ways.
• The Situation just committed a sexual assault within two minutes of entering the club. Speaking of Mike's rapey-ness, I love how Pauly D was happy that such behavior made him look better by comparison. The lesson, as always: its good to have an assault-prone wingman to make you look better to women.
• I'm guessing Mike signed on with Dancing with the Stars before this episode was taped?
• Sammi's confidence level in life is roughly equivalent to Edmonton's average low temperature in January. That's a negative number by the way. I've seen homeless people with more self-confidence than Samm. To quote the SportsGuy, "We can capitalize on this!"
• "You wanna battle?" - Ramona to Mike. Clearly, the greatest call to battle since George Washington called out King George in 1776.
• Add Mike to the list of guys who've been rejected by Snooki. I can't believe I just wrote that.

Episode 12

• Snooki: "I love Vinny, he's like my big brother. Except you don't have sex with your big brother." One would think.
• Calling JWOWW's outfit a "strippers outfit" is offensive to strippers. That is clearly a streetwalker's outfit.
• Only the Jersey Shore cew could get into a fight (and get kicked out) at Space in Miami -- a club where 99% of the people are on ecstacy and there strictly for the house music/dj.
• Sure the crew got kicked out of Space (after about 20 minutes no less) but look on the bright side: JWOWW is perfectly dressed to earn some extra cash turning tricks on Ocean Ave.
• Without going into detail, it has to be said that Mike is self-destructing before our eyes. He's actually hard to watch at this point. Another cringe-worthy performance by the Situation.
• "I need someone to take a grenade for the team, or entertain a grenade, or decipher the bomb if necessary. I mean, it's a war out there!" - Pauly D, Philosopher.
• Canada's reputation really has taken a beating thanks to the endless train of Canadian skanks showing up at the Shore house. And I'm going to go ahead and say it -- I think it's what actually cost Canada a seat on the UN Security Council.

Episode 13 (Season Finale):

• Guess who just wrote 2500 words analyzing season two of the Jersey Shore? This guy that's who. So I ask you: who's more pathetic, me or the cast of the show? The answer would be me.
• Nothing like a little Ronnie/Samm drama to ruin the season finale. Which reminds me, given that Sammi is clearly bi-polar, do we re-assess Ronnie's performance this season? For me Ronnie has really rehabbed his image as the season's gone on. Granted, maybe it's just because mtv stopped roofying his drinks after episode 4, but clearly Ronnie has improved his image as time has gone on. For me, Ronnie's like Michael Vick in the sense that both did seemingly irreparable damage to their legacy only to turn it around in the end. The main difference between the two is I actually hope Vick continues to turnaround his life, while I could care less about Ronnie's future.
• Has anybody's stock fallen further than the Situation's these past few weeks? Mike is a trainwreck who's essentially surviving on Vinny's sloppy seconds and thirds at this point.
• "If you're not fucking your roomate, you shouldn't have to clean up after them." - JWOWW. I'm not making fun of JWOWW here. That's actually a legitimate point.
• THE END.

Retro NBA Jerseys: The Latest Trend in Hipster Fashion (To Piss Me Off)

If you're a regular reader of Deadspin (and let's face it, you should be) you may have read about the latest trend in hipster fashion -- ironic throwback NBA jerseys. Yes, no longer content with wearing skinny jeans, Keds, and 1950s-style glasses, hipster youths have turned to the once iconic accessory of rappers and street ballers everywhere. Except, with a typical hipster twist (it's all about the irony with these people), you won't find any of these jerseys in stores. Why? Because they're no longer stocking Arvydas Sabonis and Tony Kukoc jerseys at your local Champs, for one. But more importantly, the hipsters are all about jerseys of players nobody can remember in sizes only toddlers can fit into.

Now, I actually enjoy wearing basketball jerseys in the summertime. They're made of light weight fabric that breathes easily when you're doing physical activities. However, thanks to these clowns my fondness for the basketball jersey is in jeopardy and this hijacking of a once proud fashion accessory got me thinking: is there any difference between the hipster wearing an ironic NBA throwback and the douchebag/UFC-type wearing an Afflication shirt? Both are just copying a fashion trend among their cohorts. Both are proudly proclaiming their uniqueness from the rest of us squares/sheep by being entirely un-unique. But there is a difference and I never thought I'd say this but I actually respect the UFC douchebags. They know who they are. They know what you think of them and they're okay with that. They know their Afflication shirts prevent them from entering 99% of bars but they continue to wear them because that's who they are. The hipsters on the otherhand can claim no such sense of self-understanding or confidence. They're wearing a jersey because their buddy at the coffee shop is wearing one and if you were to make the mistake of asking the question. "Hey man, nice Penny Hardaway throwback., I used to love him on the Magic," they'd look at you as though you were the scum of the earth. And to think, you didn't even point out the fact that the jersey is three sizes too small! A sad state of affairs if you ask me. And my worry is, if NBA throwbacks can be taken from us, what's next? Is nothing sacred anymore?

Required Reading for August

• One of my favorite writers' has just written a NY Times best-selling memoire. Sweet. Said writer celebrated the success of his book launch by waking up nearly paralyzed with cancer. Shitty. Then he wrote about it. Tough to Read. Christopher Hitchen's latest piece for Vanity Fair. http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2010/09/hitchens-201009
• Hitchens isn't letting cancer slow him down. In Slate, he weighs in on the Ground Zero mosque/cultural centre: http://www.slate.com/id/2264770/
• In Rolling Stone, Matt Taibbi assesses the US financial reform bill as well as Wall Street's $600 million fin-reg lobbying effort. His conclusion: it was lobbyist money well spent. An exerpt: "Throughout the debate over finance reform, Democrats had sold the public on the idea that it was the Republicans who were killing progressive initiatives. In reality, Republican and Democratic leaders were working together with industry insiders and deep-pocketed lobbyists to prevent rogue members like Merkley and Levin from effecting real change. In public, the parties stage a show of bitter bipartisan stalemate. But when the cameras are off, they fuck like crazed weasels in heat." http://tinyurl.com/35uo6fn
• In The Atlantic Jeffrey Goldberg assesses the likelihood (and fallout) of an Israeli strike against Iran's nuclear facilities: http://tinyurl.com/39uy2b2 Also check out this close read of Goldberg's article (it is rather long) in Slate: http://www.slate.com/id/2263594
• The summer issue of Foreign Policy, called "The Bad Guy Issue", assesses responsibility for the world's failed states and ranks the world's worst despots. Specifically, FP singles out France for its role in creating failed states in Africa (five of the world's 12 worst). Surprisingly, Quebec is not listed as one of those five. http://tinyurl.com/2faxuuf
• Also in Foreign Policy: Are their paralells between the Chinese economy today and the Japanese lost decade of the 1990s? http://tinyurl.com/2fcnhr6
• In Slate, the tale of the most isolated man in the world. The article looks at what Brazil is doing to protect an Indian man who is the last remaining member of an uncontacted jungle tribe. http://www.slate.com/id/2264478
• The funniest thing I've read this month -- Deadspin's Haters' Guide to the Top 25. Hilarious. http://deadspin.com/5620076/the-2010-haters-guide-to-the-top-25

Things That Pissed Me Off This Month (August 2010)

• Three words: animal rights activists. Let me explain. Walking around downtown Edmonton in the spring and summer is impossible to do without running into several teams of World Society for the Protection of Animals (WSPA) activists. Their's nothing inherently wrong with these people -- they're friendly enough, polite, and not overly aggressive in their sales pitch. Hell, a few of the girls are even kinda cute in a "harmless semi-hippie with a cause" kind of way. However, I ask you this: how far down your list of "problems humanity needs to solve" would you have to go before you got to "animal welfare"? High-50s? Over 100? AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa, you say? Yes, but have you seen how dolphins are treated in captivity!? Lost a loved one to cancer? Sorry to hear that, but do you know how KFC treats its chickens? Yes, yes I do -- with lard and vegetable oil and it tastes delicious. I've got a suggestion for the WSPA folks. I say, until we've solved world hunger, lets outlaw any dog or cat food more exotic than kibbles and bits. And while we're at it, we should encourage people to eat their dogs to combat emissions that contribute to global warming. From this point on, my only reply to the question "do you love animals"? is "Yes, I love animals, they're delicious."
• Edmonton's weather this summer. We're over half way through August at this point and Edmonton has not had a full two day weekend of sunshine once this summer. How is this even possible? Doesn't that defy some sort of law of physics. Even if you counted days where it was sunny during the day and only stormed at night, you couldn't string together a sunny weekend out here. And now, I awaken to this forecast this morning: http://www.weatheroffice.gc.ca/city/pages/ab-50_metric_e.html I challenge anyone, anywhere to top that forecast. In fact, I want to record it for posterity.

Thurs. - Smoke

Fri. - Smoke

Sat. - Rain

Sun. - Rain

Mon. - Suicide

Text Message Analysis 101

Some of my greatest ideas flow in the form of drunken text messages. These are not examples of such ideas. They do however say a lot about the people involved.

The following text message conversations took place Sunday morning.

Person A: “I’m chillin at the beach.. damn I can’t wait til we’re doing this in the Okanagan”
Person 1: “I'm puking in the dorms at Gonzaga.. damn I can't wait til I’m doing this in the Okanagan”

Person A: “I’m chillin at the beach.. so nice out right now”
Person 2: “Crown?”

Person A: “I’m chillin at beach.. you should be here man”
Person 3: “You know it’s a good party when you pass out on the couch and the cops show up three times”

Knowing nothing else about the people sending these texts, one can deduce the following:

• 'Person A' loves the beach and likes to rub in the fact that Persons 1-3 are not at the beach.
• 'Person 1' is living the dream. May have a drinking problem.
• 'Person 2' hates life and everyone in it.
• 'Person 3' has an incredibly short attention span which often causes him to ignore others. Certainly has a drinking problem.

Required Reading for July

• If you haven't read Deadspin (http://deadspin.com/) you should. Probably the funniest thing I've read in months. And just in time for Canada Day/4th of July: How to Tap a Fucking Keg: http://tinyurl.com/36kg4et
• Yahoo Sports' Adrian Wojnarowski rips LeBron and ESPN for tonight's infomercial...er, announcement of where LeBron will fail to win a championship next: http://tinyurl.com/293fc2h
• If you read any LeBron columns today, read this one. Jason Whitlock calls Lebron's "lovemaking session with Jim Gray, Stu Scott, Mike Wilbon, Jon Barry and Chris Broussard" America’s first "all-male, PG-13 celebrity sex tape." A must read: http://tinyurl.com/32jduts
• If you're having a little trouble stomaching the sudden deification of George Steinbrenner following his death on Tuesday, well, you're not alone. Here's a more realistic look back at the man and his legacy: http://tinyurl.com/28rrvel
• The best op-ed I've read this month, which asks "when will the US go the way of Rome?" http://tinyurl.com/2547nre

Victoria, BC: Faux Artistes, Faux Economy

Living in Edmonton provides you with many things. For instance, I’m able to earn enough money living here to actually afford living in the city (and I’m not talking about slumming it with a roommate until you’re in your 30s like in Vancouver/Victoria). However, the city of Champions (by the way, time for a new motto city council) does have it drawbacks. For example, Edmontonians get to enjoy roughly eight weeks of nice weather per year (give or take). Contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t make you appreciate the nice weather even more. Rather, it forces you to drop $2,000 every winter to escape to the tropics. True, we have the Athabasca River to visit during the spring and summer, but my idea of a day at the beach doesn’t include a brown river roughly three feet deep at its deepest point that smells to holy hell in the summer (I can see everybody in Victoria silently nodding while reading that part. However, as nice as Willows Beach is, keep in mind that you recently had a turd run for Mayor of Victoria). Long story short, living in Edmonton has made me appreciate Victoria to a degree not possible when I lived there.

Despite Edmonton’s negative aspects, it would be a mistake to overlook Victoria’s drawbacks. They do exist and can essentially be summarized in four words: “lack of economic opportunity”. Victoria’s top three industries (if you can call them that) are:

1. Health care and social assistance (read: nurses who take care of old folks and care aids who work in old folks homes)
2. Government (anytime time the government is your economic driver you’re in trouble. See: Obama, Barack)
3. Accommodations and Food (90% Starbucks, 10% other)

Look, I’m no Paul Krugman but anytime your top three industries are end-of-life care, government and restaurants, you’re not going to be joining the G20 anytime soon. I’d re-order Victoria’s top three income streams as follows: retirement income, trust fund income, and real estate. And while an economy almost entirely reliant on retirees (and care of), wealthy students from out of province, and real estate might not lead to immediate economic Armageddon, I can assure you of this: Victoria’s economy has confined its native-born youth population to wonder the country as economic refugees. I know because I’m part of the diaspora. With few exceptions, those who choose to stay behind can look forward to bringing home about $50,000 a year (average income for Victoria-Beacon Hill) while trying to pay a mortgage of $3,200 a month on their $515,000 house (average Victoria home price). Okay, that’s probably not going to happen unless you marry up or come into a nice little inheritance. But even a condo will set you back about $2,000 a month which quickly eats into your less than $40,000 annual take home pay. How so many people do it is beyond me. However, there is one group that has managed to stickhandle through the barren landscape that is the Victoria economy. These walking paradoxes can be found everywhere in Victoria. I know you’ve seen them and you may even know a few. They are, for lack of a better term, “Hipsters” and they have been making my return trips to Victoria increasingly frustrating. How these seemingly unemployable faux-artists/philosophers have managed to thrive in Lotus Land is one of the great economic questions of our times. And I want to know how they do it.

Seriously, [insert complex financial derivative] are easier concepts to grasp than how these Starbucks baristas can afford to dress themselves in designer jeans and other hipster fashions while seemingly never working. Somebody please explain to me how, given the cost of living in Victoria, $8.75 an hour at your local Starbucks/Planet Organic provides you with enough money to take the afternoon off to brush up on your skateboarding skills? And if you're thinking the skateboard is a smart, low cost substitute for a car, think again. These guys have nicer cars than I do. And how the hell do they pay rent? Last time I checked the hippy commune movement went extinct about 30 years ago, so I doubt they're pulling a Manson family to save money on rent. The conclusion: these connoisseurs of PBR (now owned by one of the largest private equity firms in the world by the way) and thrift store fashions are generally students making the most out of their student loans and trust fund babies with a credit line paid by mom and dad.

Required Reading for June

• An LA Weekly exposé on Mexican Cartel-trained and FBI most-wanted hitman Jose Saenz. A chilling look at the connection between LA street gangs and the Mexican drug cartels: http://www.laweekly.com/2010-06-17/news/east-los-angeles-hit-man-trained-by-mexican-cartels/1
• A MarketWatch op-ed likening Main Street's approach to Wall Street to that of a compulsive gambler/crackhead who keeps going back for more. One of the better descriptions of our relationship to Wall Street that I've read. http://www.marketwatch.com/story/story/print?guid=7075FEB4-9286-4106-84CB-209986BBB281

Required Reading for May

• After Lebron's epic fail-fest in Game 5 of the Celtics-Cavs series, the media finally started to question Lebron's hype/legacy to this point. I thought this Yahoo Sports column nailed the issue perfectly. And I think we can forever kill the Lebron-MJ comparisons (or Lebron-Kobe for that matter): http://tinyurl.com/2adr2qx
• Just in time for the FIFA World Cup, a 2007 Vanity Fair article on how Didier Drogba ended Ivory Coast's five year civil war: http://tinyurl.com/2cuezzz
• If you haven't seen the documentary "Cocaine Cowboys," you're missing out. Go rent it. And after you've seen it you'll want to read this LA Weekly expose on Max Mermelstein, one of the central figures in the 1980s cocaine trade. Marmelstein spent 25 years in witness protection hiding from the Medellin drug cartel after he turned snitch. His testimony was instrumental in bringing down the cartel. A very interesting read: http://www.laweekly.com/2010-05-13/news/america-s-cocaine-king-hid-from-drug-cartels-for-25-years/1
• Just in time for the French Open -- last year the NY Times did a great expose on Rafael Nadal. One of the best sports reads I've come across. http://tinyurl.com/o7poc2

Only in Texas

Each morning, while I'm going through the news articles for the day, I try to catch a few minutes of the Adam Carolla podcast, which is generally a hilarious rant about whatever happens to be on Adam's mind that day. Periodically, he does a bit called "Germany or Florida?" where he reads the details of a news story and asks where the story takes place: Germany or Florida? His thinking is that generally when crazy shit happens it happens disproportionately in either Germany or Florida. I have a similar bit I like to call "Only in Texas" which highlights the craziness of the Lone Star State. The place has always been a little different but today I came across a story that is truly great. First, a couple previous examples.

• On April 12, the City of Allen Texas approved a $120 million bond to pay for a 18,000 seat high school football stadium. How big is the City of Allen? 77,000 people. And this, during the worst recession since the Great Depression!
• On April 14, a man in Garland, Texas was sentenced to 15 days in prison and five years probation after pleading guilty to stuffing a lead weight into a bass during a fishing tournament last fall. Because there was a $55,000 prize for first place,the man was charged with attempted theft over $20,000.

Granted, those stories might be worth a chuckle or two, but the awesomeness of the following story is off the charts. This morning, a co-worker forwarded me a story about Texas Governor Rick Perry (http://tinyurl.com/3xkz797). It seems the Governor was out for a job with his dog when he happened across a "wily coyote" (his words). What makes this an "Only in Texas" scenario is Governor Perry likes to take his jogs strapped with a laser-sighted .380 Ruger pistol filled with hollow tips (tevlar piercing rounds). I think you can guess what happened next. Said coyote approach him and his dog and Perry 1) allowed time for his laser sight to charge (seriously) and 2) put one round into the coyote which "became mulch" (Perry's words). Words cannot express how great this story is. Laser-sighted pistol? Check. Hollow-tips? Check. Repeated use of words like "holler"? Check. Use of the word "Reckon"? Sadly no. (Quick tangent: Reckon is one of those words you just don't hear enough of these days). The lesson, as always: don't mess with Texas.

Required Reading for April

Given the amount of reading I'm able to do at work, I thought I'd start linking to a few of the better articles I come across each month. Here's what I enjoyed in April (Matt Taibbi's been a busy guy):

• An article in the New Yorker looks at the social science behind terrorism (who knew social science had a use?): http://tinyurl.com/y6knb5t Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi looks at how the banks are ripping off America's cities: http://tinyurl.com/y2hyn7c
• Taibbi asks what's really on trial in the SEC vs. Goldman Sachs (op-ed from The Guardian): http://tinyurl.com/34vwybe
• Taibbi explains why Goldman has been charged with securities fraud using Ben Roethlisberger's "dick waving bathroom stall incident" as an analogy for Goldman's behavior. Gotta love Taibbi: http://tinyurl.com/3xgpo6m

Grilled Squid

Today, the SEC grew a pair and charged the vampire squid (Goldman Sachs) with securities fraud. Here's a good breakdown of what the bank is charged with (http://tinyurl.com/y82p9q8) but I found this analogy to be much more useful: "Imagine you and your friend sell apples. Your friend purposely puts poison in some of the apples, while you continue to sell those apples and tell your customers that these particular apples are the most delicious that you've ever had for sale. Then that same wicked friend of yours buys life insurance contracts on those customers who ate the apples. Your customers die as expected, and your friend makes billions of dollars in profits off of those insurance contracts. Then everyone in the apple industry marvels at how smart you are. And you spend the next two years pretending that you're the Master of the Universe." The only question now is: how much of a fine will Goldman have to pay with taxpayer bailout money?

I'm (Almost) Famous!!

The other day, during my daily lunch time perv-out walk at the mall with the guys from work, we started discussing the show Undercover Boss, which airs on CBS Sunday nights. The discussion originally started when I expressed my opinion that the show is really nothing more than free advertising for the companies featured. If you've seen the show you will have noticed that at the end of each episode the CEO or COO "rewards" a few hardworking employees with a tiny cash bonus or a $5,000 scholarship (not sure what kind of an education that's supposed to buy in the States). These rewards pale in comparison to the financial benefits which accrue to the company after appearing in a week's worth of promotional ads in the lead up to an episode. Trust me, no CEO would agree to take part in the show if it didn't make his company look good, and after 7 episodes the CEO's are batting 1000% in that regard. The question we were curious about was how shares in the companies faired after an appearance on Undercover Boss. So I did what anyone would do: I emailed the author of the Wall Street Journal's "Numbers Guy blog". A few days later, he emailed me back with a link to a full article on the questions I had asked. It turns out appearing on the show was a very good financial decision for the CEOs who participated. How good? Rather than rehash his findings, here's the article: http://blogs.wsj.com/marketbeat/2010/04/09/undercover-boss-the-perfect-stock-market-strategy/tab/print/ Quite interesting results. However, they only raised more questions. Like what about opportunities for insider trading? CBS doesn't publicly announce which company will appear in future episodes until the end of each Sunday night episode. However, network execs/producers and company reps will have known for months. SEC, care to take a look at which insiders were snatching up shares after the lineup was finalized? Granted, the SEC is incompetent (Exhibit A being Bernie Madoff) but it would be interesting to know who, aside from regular investors, has profited from the show.

Observations on Cuba

Having just arrived home after seven days of debauchery in Castro country, I thought it would be appropriate to write a few words about the experience. It’s my hope that this will help all those involved better remember the trip, which was truly epic. Note: names have been changed to protect the guilty.

The first thing you notice on your arrival in Varadero is that Cubans don’t spend much time in airports. If they did, there’s no way they would let what can only be described as an old gymnasium pass for an international airport. Even by third-world standards the Varadero airport is an absolute travesty. And trust me, we had time to explore all 1000 square feet of the structure (I’m only exaggerating a bit) because we had a four-hour delay on our departure.

Arriving at our resort at around midnight, we weren’t immediately able to assess the situation; however, one thing was clear: this was a legit 5-star resort (even by Dominican/Mexican standards) – the question was, how would we feel in the morning? Let me tell you. I don’t care how nice a resort is or how much free booze is available, if you're on vacation in the tropics and you’re wind burn is darker than you’re sun tan, you’re not going to be happy. This certainly applied to us. We just happened to land in Cuba during a northerly cold snap. Yup, for the first four nights we enjoyed lows of 7 degrees at night. Thankfully, we brought hoodies, but this is not the way you want to start your vacation. In fact, four of the first seven days were a mix of cloud and wind, leading to an ingenious system of beach forts that allowed us to snag short bursts of sunlight mixed with long bursts of clouds while shielded somewhat from the winds. I don’t want to work this hard to catch sunshine on my vacation. But what could we do. Thankfully days 5-7 were nice and sunny (although not incredibly hot). This was great. What wasn’t great was the fact that on two of those days nobody was allowed in the ocean because of jellyfish. And unless you’re Dirty Sanchez it’s pretty hard to come back with a tan after only 2.5 days of sun, but that’s what we had to work with and I think we made the most of it.

With respect to service, I have to say that for the most part the service was excellent. Unlike some of the other resorts closer to Varadero proper, there was nobody hustling you on the beach. Inside the restaurants and bars drinks were refilled pronto. However, I cannot understand how the newest 5-star resort in Cuba doesn’t have bartenders who know to make a mojito. Is this not the country that created the damn drink? We drank way too many Cuban beers simply to avoid the poorly made mixed drinks. And sitting in the hotel lobby with about a dozen beer cans on your table does not endear you to the staff. The a la carte restaurants were great though, particularly the Japanese one. It was literally no better or worse than the Japanese village and the Cuban restaurant (lobster tails and seafood) wasn’t bad either. However, I pity the fool who dined at the “gourmet” restaurant where Ernesto was waiting tables. This guy could not have been more cold if he were waiting tables outside in Edmonton in January. First, he inspected our dinner receipt for a solid minute without even looking at us (nobody else even looked at them). Yeah, that’s it Ernesto, I brought over my circa 1967 typewriter and printed out fake dinner receipts on it just to fuck with you! We then waited a solid 50 minutes for our main course. Did I mention it was 7 degrees and we were eating outside? I don’t know what the future holds for Ernesto but I don’t think a career in the service industry is in the cards.

Weather and service aside, by far the high- and low-point of the trip was the guests. It actually got to the point where we started to take photos and video of certain guests so that we would remember them down the road. And at the top of this list was a young Russian man named “the Figure skater”. Now I’m not saying he was gay, but I have never seen a man so non-chalantly turn away perfect 10s who wanted some action. And he proved two useful rules of thumb to always remember: 1) In Russia, the measure of a man is the length of his mullet; and 2) Women are attracted to the strangest, douchiest, greasiest men. Now, the first time we spotted Figure skater we knew he was special. We saw him the first night prancing around at the resort bar swatting away smoking hot broads like they were nothing. However, it wasn’t until we saw him in his tourquoise silk top and suspenders that we knew how truly remarkable this guy actually was. I am not lying to you when I say that this outfit was so over-the-top that we immediately started devising schemes to pose for pictures near him in the hopes that we might also capture him in one of them (we did snag a photo of him at the Japanese restaurant later in the trip). I don’t care what anybody says, there’s only one thing a person could be thinking about when putting on that outfit and it isn’t “man I’m gonna get so many chicks with this shirt/suspenders combo.” The hilarity of this guy, so obviously gay, having girls continually approach him only to get shut down before trying again, was incredible. And before you ask what we were doing watching him, I would counter, have you ever stopped to look at a car wreck? I thought so.

I wish I didn't have to report on the other "winners" among the guests we encountered, but sadly I do -- Canadians can be incredibly douchey too. Some clarification here: over half of the tourists in Cuba at any given time are probably Canadian (probably more). This is partly due to a lack of Americans. Therefore, by default and thanks largely to percentages, there are going to be some real gems among the Canadians vacationing in Cuba -- and we saw some shiny ones. My first experience with a Canadian on the trip occurred on the second night at the resort bar when I ran into the ubiquitous Toronto-asshole. We had encountered these creatures previously in the Dominican Republic and they generally fit the following description: late 30s/early 40s, recently laid-off autoworker/manufacturer who booked his trip BEFORE he got laid off. Think rig pig in Edmonton and you get the idea. These guys are pretty much pissed off at the world and want everybody to know it. Now, how picking fights with people can be on a person's to-do list while on vacation in a tropical paradise is beyond me, however that's what this T-bag (Toronto douchebag) did with me. As I was getting a drink he got in my face and asked me why I was hitting on his girlfriend? Now at this point I was pretty much 100% sober and hadn't even had time to talk to a girl, let alone this guy's girlfriend. However, given that he was going bald, about 5'6", and physically UN-intimidating, I decided to clarify a few things with him (okay maybe I wasn't totally sober). I told him that I did not hit on his girlfriend and asked him to point her out. He proceeded to point her out, to which I replied, "Dude, I would never hit on your girlfriend, look at her!" He didn't really appreciate this and wanted to "take this outside" but I wasn't having it. I find gainfully employed civil servants have a lot more to lose than broke, mid-life crisis-having sheet metal workers so I told him to get out of my face while a couple other friends we had made from Toronto separated us and cooled things down. The next day I talked with those friends who explained what had happened. I had NOT talked to the guys girlfriend. She HAD whispered something in his ear that got him mad at me but it was basically a case of the girlfriend wanting to see a little drama that night and she was seen to be smiling while her boyfriend and I had our little argument. For her sake, I hope they serve beer in hell (yeah she looked like a beer drinker, as in beer bong). The other Canadian that left an impression on us was a guy we called "The Cowboy." I don't think we ever saw this guy when he wasn't drunk, and we saw him in the mornings on numerous occasions. This guy's behavior was incredible but what made it that much worse was that everyone knew he was Canadian. Why? Because he made sure he wore his 4 gallon cowboy hat everywhere he went. He was like a walking billboard for obnoxious/loud Canadian. Look, if you're going to be an asshole on your vacation, please don't clearly identify yourself as Canadian. Is that too much to ask?

All in all though, solid trip. Can't wait for the next one with Dirty Sanchez et al.

Things That Pissed Me Off This Month (February Edition)

• The Super Bowl halftime show. First, any time you can book a pedophile for the halftime show, you have to do it, right? Yes, according to the NFL. Pete Townshend’s research interests aside, what does it say about society when the halftime show is a ten minute commercial for the network broadcasting the game (CBS). That’s right, the two songs played by The Who were the theme songs from CSI Miami and CSI New York. Are you fucking kidding me?
• Apolo Anton Ohno: Man do I hate me some Apolo Anton-Fucking-Ohno. First, only assassins get to use three names. It's a rule (see: John Wilkes Booth & Lee Harvey Oswald). And second, how is this guy, who participates in a sport nobody cares about for all but two weeks every four years, the biggest US "celebrity" athlete at every Winter Olympics? Third, the goatee. I mean, look at it!
• People who come into work sick. Look, if you're making minimum wage and you don't have any benefits, let alone paid sick days, I'm not gonna hate on you. However, if you make more than me and have about two weeks of sick days you could be using, then we have a problem. And have you ever noticed it's the same people coming in sick over and over? Why are these people always sick? Could it be the extra 50 lbs they're packing? Their lack of exercise? Their diet? I drink like a goddamn homeless man and I get the flu once every two years!
• Guys who wear tuques when its warm out, strictly as a fashion accessory. I fucking dare you to find me a guy who wears a tuque indoors (while he has a t-shirt on, for example) or during the summer time who is NOT a douchebay or a homo. I promise, you will fail in this endeavor. I was at the gym the other day and I actually saw a guy come into the gym with one of those "stylish" floppy toques (here's an example of one: http://tinyurl.com/yawox46) He proceed to go into the changeroom and change into a DIFFERENT floppy toque. Yes, this fucking douchebag had two toques, a day-to-day toque for outdoors and an indoor "workout" toque. Look, if you're Rocky Balboa and you need to drop weight for your match against Ivan-fucking-Drago then go ahead, wear a toque while your jumping rope in the gym, but if not, be a man and leave the toque for the emo girls! Damn, I thought I left this kinda shit behind when I left Victoria!

When PIIGS Fly (And By 'Fly' I Mean 'Fail')

Here's my thinking on Greece. All the talk of a Greece bailout misses that point. Greece is only one of the Euro zone countries faced with unmanageable debt loads. Spain is also in trouble and is a much larger and important economy (and don't forget about Italy, Ireland and Portugal). We've seen how this played out in the US. Back in 2008 the first victim was Bear Stears which was sold (for pennies) to JPMorgan with an assist from the US govt. Then Lehman was on the brink but was allowed to fail (somebody had to be taught a lesson...just nobody with ties to Goldman). Then AIG was going down in flames but AIG was too big to fail, so the US coughed up $80 then $185 billion for AIG (a chunk of which went to AIG's counterparties). Then Citi needed help...etc. etc. The point is the US govt was putting out fires as they happened and each crisis placed the entire system in jeopardy. And you never knew when the next fire would start. The difference with Europe is you've got 16 separate countries which would have to be involved in any bailouts...not quite the same thing as having a bunch of ex-Goldman bankers who control the Treasury and Fed engineer a bailout, is it? Say a Greek bailout is announced Thursday...when's the Spain bailout? Keep in mind unemployment in Spain is 20%...you're going to cut spending with 20% unemployment? I don't think so. Yet, Spain will have to cut spending to qualify for an IMF loan or an EU bailout (if possible)...I can picture the riots in Madrid as I'm writing this. Even if the PIIGS can trim spending, their credit ratings have already been adjusted downward so their borrowing costs are increasing...how much of the spending cuts will be offset by higher borrowing costs? Oh and in case you haven't noticed, the same scenario faces the US in the near future (and Japan and Britain). Add in the fact that hedge funds and other speculators are betting against Greece using credit default swaps the same way they bet against Lehman and you know how this ends. As a result, I say short the Euro zone much like I'm shorting the S&P. Here's one option: http://finance.yahoo.com/q?s=epv

Things That Pissed Me Off This Month (January Edition)

• Molson 67 beer is 3% alcohol. 3%!!! Nowhere on the box does it say this. They need to change the name from Molson 67 to Molson 804 because that's how many calories you'll have to consume before you get a buzz!
• Just once I would like to be able to turn on my TV and not see one of the Williams sisters on the tennis court. Not one Aussie Open mens semi started before midnight (3:30 am east coast time) but I've been able to watch every second of Serena Williams and her 170 lb, 5'7" frame dominate her tiny opponents. That ain't right. And by the way, that's about what Novak Djokovic weighs...HE'S 6'2"!!!